In everyday of our life, starting from the time when we are
born and raised we pass through the series of journey encountering
millions of things , either things expected or unexpected that makes us excited or drowned, usual or unusual. By the way, did you ever question yourself
sometime’s with your inner self of how you’re doing? if your dreams are fulfilled?
and if you’re really on the place that you wanted to be or not? and a million
questions that you desperately waiting for an answer. If it’s not the worst of blunder, I guess we
ask less to ourselves then the feeling that arose within the same body, I guess this days we care less for questioning ourselves then letting it go and let time to take
where ever it takes us.
It was one fine morning, when Delhi has welcome a cold wind
of winter and I was on the terrace catching some air before going to
college. Suddenly, all those flashback
when I was a kid, when I was in school, when I was a student came rumbling in
my mind when I see those kids near my college campus going to school for the
day and I had a question back in mind; What they would become? How they would
make themselves to see the world and let people see them?
Each and every individual must have a dream that they dream to be,wishes that they wished to be with all the lights from different people
that we meet in our daily life and with each single journey that we take since from the time when we started our journey
of life. But do you ever thought of how much dream that disappear and come
another? Do you ever thought if you have
nurtured and living with a same dream that you wanted to be?
Alright, allow me to narrate the shortest of my story of
life of dreams.
When I started my pre-primary school, I was one of the weakest student that teacher would have in
his class and moreover I wasn’t
interested in studying and all sort of education at school. That very time, my
dream, my wish was to be a monk. Seriously I still remember how much I have
fallen in love for those life, when I
see monk of my age when my parents takes to monastery and temple.
Gradually with moving time when I was 9, I forgot all those dreams and by
then I was a average student after the best a dad could do for his son. He
always find a time to teach me, always find a great ways to develop my
enthusiasm and energy in studies and would encourage me to be like my big
brother who is excellent in studies.
Once as it happened during class 3, when I topped English and ranked
third in class, my energy has boosted to maximum level and with each passing
year, I felt love so much with the language and I wanted to a journalist.
My dream of becoming journalist lasted a few year after I
pass my Bhutan secondary examination.
And getting to higher secondary, I was one of the student among many who
was confused in choosing subject. By
then , with less of my dreams and more of the dreams of people whom I love, I
choose the dreams of my love to be a humble doctor in my life. So, as it happen my dream was to be a doctor and land up in
higher secondary school choosing biology completing closing another window of
So now i am here in Delhi, pursuing pharmacy, to be
pharmacist in future and that’s my career.
In life, i guess nobody is sure of who you wanted to be, because dreams changes with every situations and growth of change in this life. Seriously, i saw rarely those who still lived with dream that wanted to be always.
With all my changing dreams, i landed up wondering about those school going kids of what they would become and where life would take them. Sometime's i feel like dreams are like those dream that we see in sleep which disappear the next morning when we wake up.
So the question is; are you still with dreams that you wanted to fulfill? are you in the place that you wanted to be? i admit i am not and i wonder where life would take me next despite the plans and huge dreams even after those disappeared ones.
Long lost into different road, And those roads switched back with huge load, With a gift of moment from astral influences. Haven't those moments of life came, If, i didn't paid an attention, Or never let in from where it all began, I would still have a heavy head with storm thought. I would never know how it feel dead, I would never know how it feel drowned, I would never discover the saddest emotions and painful hurts, I would never understand why people talk of giving up even if i went through, You know,being able to swim perfectly, Able to fight and stand, Able to grind the worst, Wasn't all the reason that erase the worst, It still hides in the masquerades of happy faces. And a watch of those flowing tears of saddest emotions, Those cries of painful hurt, Those clattering teeth of huge hold, I knew it has long story to narrate. A narration even a time wouldn't be able to take or heal. And i found myself drowned with them, Watching her swimming every sunrise.
Have you ever thought of where the greatest prison is? he
The question took me off even from the walls of my
imagination, thinking what actually he was trying to say and myself trying hard
to answer him, because I knew, those weary eyes, tired soul isn’t questioning
me about the real prison that keep criminals and moreover he has never opened
up himself until that day.
Silence has starting growing deep, deeper than those pacific and Instead of answering to what he queried,
I was stuck watching him and his heavy head. Seriously I didn’t know how to
respond to such situation and by then at least clearing my throat, I tried
speaking; why such question suddenly and
I told him I guess I don’t know what actually the answer is, but I guess I can
help you find the answer.
Silence ruled us for couple of minutes and at last, he clear
his throat, breathing heavily with those tears holding in his eyes and share me
the story to the question.
“Two years, nine
month ago I has fallen into love so deep and still this feeling has never
outgrow and I know it will never. You know,
13th of January 2013, I met a beautiful lady, beautiful in
physique, beautiful in thoughts, beautiful In everything, the sum of all part
was just undefinable beauty that make me fall so intensely and unconditionally.
That was the time, that I saw the heaven, the beauty of life. Seriously, I have never been happy to such
height, indeed I was lucky to fall in love and to be loved in return by a women
whom you love head to toe. Our relation was very strongly cemented within those
hundred of days and night, and each following morning I just fall for her
helplessly again and again, and I knew without her nothing makes sense. You know It’s a time when you see a light of
life and you can’t live without it.” He breath heavily like going through the
toughest of war in life and told me “ Love is so magical and powerful”
Then he continued after a minute with heavy exhale of suffocated
air from lung’s and said; “ But I didn’t knew those time of troubles will come,
I didn’t knew those times of struggles will come, I didn’t knew worst will rule us.” I interrupted him and asked, did you
guys broke up? He smile and said, “no bro,
just a terrible situation, I don’t know how to even put into a proper sentence.
Actually I have been wondering for couples of month and still I don’t get an
answer to what I search. You know, I
have did all the best that I could effort even beyond my capacity,but somehow a
terrible situation popped in out of no where and that took me into this
terrible time. I still don’t know the problem behind, I still don’t know the
reason behind, but she look so unhappy and this hurts me terribly. I thought, she is going through all this hard times just because of
‘distance’, as most of the time I cant
reach to help her when she is in extreme need, not being able to support her
when about to fall but I did at least the best that I could do, but it look so
insufficient and looking through the problem arising right now, I feel distance
is not an answer.”
Later after a sip of water he continued; “ lately I am going through some terrible
situation, where I am like in desert ‘lost and never found’. I don’t know what
I have to do. I don’t know how I have to respond. Time has started treating me
so badly. Being in distance relationship, most of the time I use to keep in
touch with her through Facebook, we-chat and Watsapp and no matter what problem
arises, I am always the first person to
tell sorry and to beg for solving things to make it better, because I can’t
really lose her. Losing her would mean so bad that time won’t even heal those
traumatic sorrows. And as always, this
days also, I have been always messaging her every morning, day and night just
searching for the opportunity to make conversation and to make things better,
but she has live completely with silence. I waited so long thinking time will
find us someday, but things started worsening.
You know after long time, I saw notification on my mobile phone and it
was her message on Watsapp, I was very happy and relieve indeed, but to my
notice she messaged me with a sentence “you don’t have to, I am no more your
belonging” in response to my long message that reads –
‘Dear, its been long time you have been with silence. I
really don’t know why you are treating me this way, but I need you to answer,
because I really can’t find charm in anything I do without you. Seriously I
miss you so terribly.’
And a minute later she has blocked me in all chat sites
after a little conversation that slip in
60 seconds. So less was a time.” He breath like air stuck in his chest after
sharing his trouble and finally said the answer to question that started the
“The greatest prison I thought is in our mind, because I
don’t know what I am going to do. Yeah ,she told me to move on several times,
but I couldn’t even a single time. The moment of thoughts of losing her I get
frozen numb, I even can’t move on, because all of me is a hollow body without a
I felt sorry for him and yeah tried speaking to make him feel
better for a while, by then it was already a new morning when we go to bed.
“Usually when complete silence evolve as afternoon
sink, I find myself into those big room expecting ‘huge dead log’ on the bed and when I couldn't see anything, I land up
missing both of you terribly”
Just a day ago I got a call from my goddess(mom) and usually when ever she ring me, the first thing
she would never forget to question me is
‘Hope you’re not sick?’ and upon hearing me ‘sound, fine and perfect’ In sigh
of huge relieve she would thank me so much with love and kiss for staying fine
and strong. You know, since from the day when I was admitted to ICU in my
second year due to severe dengue fever, she always stay with heavy load of tension
and worries about my health even if I am an adult now. Sometime I feel terribly
sorry for my mom for always giving a trouble instead of helping her as I grow
Quite of a long duration we’re in long conversation about
home, my studies and normal routines and in middle of conversation unable to
hold, in tears she told me, “ Cheychey,usually
when complete silence evolve as afternoon sink, I find myself into those big
room expecting both of you like ‘huge dead log’ on the bed and when I could see
anything, I land up missing you both” and to my realization It was exactly 2 pm in
the evening when my dad left for office, when my younger brother go to school
right after lunch and when she is all alone at home. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how
to answer, I was blank and frozen yet with waters in my eye flooding.
Sometime’s what I hate the most is, no matter how much I love, no matter how
much I care,no matter how much my mom is special to me I don’t know how to let my feeling come in
words and make her feel good.
Following after a minute of silence she told me, “don’t
worry alright? actually I was in your room and suddenly when I expected you and brother like a dead log on the bed and when I
couldn’t see both of you, I couldn't
hold back then calling both of you” and
at last with soft laugh, she whispered ‘What to do? This is your mommy, who loves
both of you that I sometimes can’t
digest the absence of you guys’ and she hanged the call telling me to stay
strong, healthy and finally teasing me with my girl as always.
Lately i started missing home and my mom so much that sometime's i land up in tears and especially this days, it has been hard times at night, where no matter how much i try to sleep i couldn't and i don't know where my sleeps has fled, and this hard times make me miss my home terribly, because no matter how much i sleep, i still would fall to sleep peacefully till the late evening like mom said "shing tomang"(dead log) and my exhausted body is in need of quiet a long holiday and moreover, i am just saddened with a truth that there is no much time for me to spend time at home happily with mom and dad, as i will graduate soon which closes down my vacation and as time has drawn closer and so near to be one responsible and a grown up man. Time indeed has moved so fast...
Ocean as an ink, sky as paper, still i would find too less for my words for how much i miss my home and my parent's.
Quite a rough day it has been as it happened for the past
few weeks but thankful to god as it was at least
not to the extend of tough days when
soldier come from the battle field.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow for almost a week or two has
been quite a tough time , I would rather prefer saying things that are out of
my control has completely rule over me making me sick and sad, but as always I
stand tall to fight back just hoping the very next day to be a beautiful
morning , as life has totally unpredictable way of treating people where “ even
in the worst time, we are still full of blessing” and even when we are in good times, bad lucks
comes unpredictably, such a life is, ‘unpredictable’.
Most of the time,
many of us are blindfold to treat the days same as it has resulted; worst in worst ways, good in good ways, sad in sad ways where we get little carried away with all
those that happened forgetting what will come next, such is the worst kind of
human mind so much conditioned like Pavlov dog.
Yesterday- was again more one more sleepless night in row
sandwiched in those rough days. I ain’t sure why I even can’t sleep even if I
want to sleep and moreover I wasted all of my time since morning completely doing nothing . You know, I
planned to write some articles but my thoughts were drained out, I thought of going through books, but my
energy was zero, I thought of washing my clothes but I was too lazy as always
and I was just fucked up.
Sleepless, fucked up and nothing to do, just like everyone I was back again to my
sony experia phone, like everybody in this modern time who gets to their mobile
phone like they have to feed always. By
then trying to make myself feel good, I was browsing over some pharmaceutical
research articles, some journals, and yeah going through few among million
Instagram photos and out of nowhere I
was back again to ‘Facebook and we-chat’ like everyone, the most visited site of the time that
everyone does when ever they have nothing to do and yeah suddenly I landed chatting with one of my closest person who was also going through the similar
Following our conversation about so many stuffs, I didn’t
know how time passed, but it was already morning, when I only could realize
upon hearing the those loud call of early morning prayers and yeah we decided
to sleep. It was 5 am in the early morning, the dawn was yet to break, I adjust
myself to sleep with thought-‘ at least I have to wake up early even if I don’t
do anything’ but again for couple of minutes, I wasted my time trying sleeping.
I was just wondering where my sleep fled until morning light find me through.
It was Saturday, and don’t ask me how was your day? I didn’t know how It passed, I didn’t even
see the sunlight and I knew that was a complete waste of time and I was totally
pissed of myself running and ruining all my times. I was hungry, I was lazy, I was pissed off, I
was sick and I am sad, I didn’t know what the fuck I am going to do, it was
already night, the time when it come again for sleep.
Later after 5 minutes subduing my laziness, I picked up
those dirty bowls, curry cooker, plates and went to tap to wash and prepare
food to at least to fill up my empty stomach and rest to leave on its own; with thought ‘what ever happen will happen
and is destined’. And there I was in bath room about to wash, filling up
buckets with water, rinsing plates and suddenly when I pick up the
dish-washer(pril) I found myself with the ‘morning purifying face-wash ‘ on my
hand, breaking up myself into soft laughter. The very time, I didn’t know how
my thoughts suddenly clean up and started feeling fresh, but I thought, god at
least want us to smile no matter what and there is always a reason in this world
for everything to accept.
At last, i recovered everything with smile and was good start to October days ending troublesome September :) .
'EVEN IN THE DIFFICULT TIMES, WE ARE STILL FULL OF BLESSINGS'- PEMA CHODRON.