An hour of beat with gentle passing day.

Its no easy to pass by the gentle days,
It's harder each hour.
May not know how hard,
But it's difficult that it even give me a cramp right on my thought; i am so lost without you.
An hour of beat passes, and a dark slowly swallow the gentle night.
The birds start chirping louder and then fainter each second,
Everything soothes down slowly.
But my thoughts was same as what it was like when i wake up.
Where,I started to miss you from the early morning,
And right there i want to get back near to you,
Right next to you; where i wanted to keep watching you smiling with love.
Without you, i am so lost.
Without you everything is so tasteless, charmless and dry.
It's all you who set heaven for me.
For thy absence, i am so lost.

what ever i do, where ever i go,  the first thing that keeps coming to my mind is always YOU. you're like the first ray of sunlight that show to me.

i miss you more.

“STRENGTH IS LIFE, WEAKNESS IS DEATH”

.. very early morning, I woke up, got dressed into fine collar and chinos, collected lap coat from drawer and picked practical book from my study table to go to class, Suddenly my usual day work changed its course though it wasn't  unexpected..........

Starting from last night, repeatedly I was requested by one of my friend to help one brother who came from Bhutan to New Delhi to process his visa card for master study in United Kingdom as there is no facility accessible in Bhutan.  At the very first instant of his request , I denied with all silly excuses about my classes and my tough semester, in fact the reason is more and yeah I do have to attend classes regularly, as it’s bit a difficult semester for me unlike my first and second year of my course. But he didn't really took into consideration, suddenly a thought popped in my mind wondering why he can’t go and help him rather making a big branches of chain and after few minutes of our pause, “ tashi, choe ghi dhi VISA tshu process bey ni ghi korley shey lo mena, atshi help bey jin oi”  he told me to help him. I was by then left with no other choices than to let him know and explain about my condition this days; where I am financially broke , and that was the reason why I kept denying, still then I don’t know what was wrong, he had a more addition on it and somehow without finalizing anything, we went off to sleep.

The very next morning I was about to go to class, but suddenly I was stopped by yesterday’s undone stuff. I denied again saying and explaining everything to my friend thinking at least he will understand my situation better, but he didn't take any heed. I felt so childish denying and explaining to him time and again, and moreover felt sorry for that brother who came to process VISA and finally made my mind to go and help him to do his work, gathering all my strength, gathering all my power, standing tall even if I am financially broke. Actually what my thought was, ‘at least I must have some amount to help him move place to place, even If I can’t offer any big and special help, because I am the one who is staying here in Delhi and won’t face any problem as it’s my second home for now and he has just came for the VISA processing and would cost him a lot moving up and down, here and there’ thus reasonably I was weakened even If I want to help.

By around 9 am in the morning, by auto I took him to Axis bank which is located in CR park, greater kailaish, a few kilometer east from my university to deposit his fees for the VISA charges with referring to my fresh idea which I got a week ago after helping to process one of my relatives VISA and as he said me that, he can deposit from any international credit card, but as we reach their sadly the axis bank wasn't doing the fee payment and receiving for United kingdom VISA applicant. By then after few minute we headed to Trade tower, located in Nehru place where the appointment for all type VISA are done there  to ask the specific banks where he can deposit as he can’t access to online payment, but  they didn't give any clear idea, rather a short cut to go back to try again for online payment.

Once again we came back to the internet cafe’ to make online payment which nearly takes 20 to 30 minutes, there I stayed sitting outside waiting and wishing his work to be successful while he was processing his work, suddenly from nowhere again a thought of my last night and today morning situations came back flooding and I was just made to think, questioned myself and it was almost like monologue with my thoughts and constants nod with regard to a life and it’s challenge. That very time, thought of life has bothered me too much to the extent that I was lost in the midst of crowded city watching people walking here and there in the scorching sun, I was lost looking at those stray people begging, I was lost in random activities and reactive thoughts and I was just smiling to myself that, life is a real challenge that keep testing us .By then it was already 2 pm and I was still waiting for him, and a few minute later, his voice came saying , ‘bro, what shall we do now?  It’s again unsuccessful’ and yeah by that time we are left with no choice other than to make call to sir who deals with the VISA processing’s to ask for help and luckily he asked us to come up to discuss the matter. By then we walked to the main road to catch auto for going to Bhutan embassy which was located in race course, which nearly take more than an hour. Suddenly, as we pass down the street, I found a script lying on the dirty ground with just few sentence clear to my eyes, which states; “strength is life and weakness is death” and something like…power and all…and that very time, I felt that, that was an answer to life.  Because, most of us have the capacity to do, the most of us has the ability to fight, but the problem is just because of some weakness, we are brought down and that’s when we fail.  That was the one of very clear incident when I discover that, every human has more power to do than the average usual stuffs that we do, all we fail is to recognize our own potential.

Yeah after an hour, I guess almost around 3:30 pm we reached there at Bhutan embassy, had talk and discuss with the person who deals with the VISA and he gave the very detail explanation and he offered the help too. Which then after so long and tiring day, it was like an answer come true to the question that we struggled for a day.

After that, I reach back to university, took a short nap and was just thinking about the day and I was at least satisfied helping him, and yeah the lesson was big. You know, the early morning, even if I am going with him to help his work, I felt so uneasy as I was financially crunched and that totally don’t let me to be the real me, but as mid of day passed and seeing the script lying, it was like an answer, because strength is really a life and weakness is death.

Yeah everyone has the power to do more than what we do every day, but most of us get feared easily when things don’t gather peacefully. That’s what we are stopped constantly from doing something bigger than the big.  As such there is nothing to get off, all we need is to get prepare whole time smiling and being happy , because life has been that way always and no one can change. Life itself is an obstacle.

Journey back to Delhi after vacation.

"it was one fine early evening when i come from Bhutan to Delhi recently after two months of my vacations where i was totally lost and found myself haunted. sometimes we don't know what is happening inside us, around us and all, until some clear incident let us discover."

on the very night of 13th July, as always before i left for abroad, away from my close ones, i use to bid fare well through calls and unlike before days, it saddens me when almost all cried , when almost has shed tears and moreover when they all share the touching stories of how they felt, how they reacted, when they didn't able to connect to my mobile phone for the long hour it made me feel so touch. On that very day i was just travelling from Samdrup jongkhar to Phuentsholing and mostly you know we used to reach early then 4 PM in the evening but that time unluckily due to vehicle problem, i reached very late and in those borders, mobile phones don't work.

The next day, i have to leave for Delhi on 2 PM the early evening, i was by then not really prepared to move on, as this time unlike before for one year, i will not see my parents, see my close one and especially my little baby stupid girl who drives me crazier each moment. when i think of the year to stay without able to see them, i felt so down and destroyed, but at least inside me, there glows a little flame that always give me a hope to move on. 

The very early morning, like usual for 700 days ago, i started to miss her, i started to get haunted, and when i think of the before days to have to stay without her sound of laughter, smiles to see, voices to hear i get more destroyed and it was terrible with each moving seconds of the time. I don't know whether i was prepared or not, but i have to by law, but luckily as sometimes, as said" expects the unexpected" on the very sad day, one of my biggest day arrive, where i was so happy, where i have forgotten every thing and just felt i was on top of the world. "she knows better why?, she knows better how? and i thank her so much for always giving me a million reason to move on with life strongly, a millions justification for making me discover that i can do it and she is always my north star who inspires me. without her, i don't know if i can move on with life, but i admit the truth, it would be the damn difficult and greatest challenge for me, that's why i always wanted to be with her forever.

By then exactly at 11 AM i started my journey from Phuentsholing to train station to catch the train by cab. with each seconds then my breath grew heavier, i felt that so strongly, i look back once again, and started missing all those biggest times and never wanted to go further but i have to by any means. sometime's i felt life is cruel and in one way, i felt life itself is an obstacles and i started preparing for the last time. I dragged my diary from the laptop bag, started flipping the pages and started reading those beautiful writing of my angel who have written after my several request. i was so touched, i laughed several times, reading her writes and i am laughing right now too when i think of that. 

No sooner when i was reading then we have reached train station, and after 30 minutes we got in train and started our journey. once again i was feeling so heavy, i really didn't like those feelings, those heaviness that make me feel so blue, lost and raw. That very late night when every one was sleeping, through the windows of train, i look up in the sky, but as usual i could not see any single stars when usually watching from India and more over it was a bit of pinhole, when watching from the window to longest distance, and yap i tried to listen to songs, and doing so many things, but nothing help me to get better. but here i will admit the truth, what i did the most , one of the most repeated things in my life without feeling bored rather which made me feel so good, touched and happy.

The truth is, i flipped over the diary pages which have few writings over and over again and i just wish, if she could have written and have filled up all those pages. her writings, made me feel so good, special and seriously that was when i think, even the simplest stuffs in the world help us move strongly without fearing anything in the world.

and in midst of this story i have by then reached to Delhi and with smile, i started to begin my session well, as i wanted to bring the biggest smile in her, which is the most important wish for me.

Thank you tsagyem for always making me feel blessed, without you it would be a greatest war. your presence every where is my happiness that makes me do well in everything. 

My words in our pages.

It's true i speak  louder, 
and yap it's real i get wilder,
It's true i do nag for the million time's,
and yap it is never wrong for i open up myself in different views,
it's true i seek thousand explanation,
And damn true i genuinely question you more than necessary,
No wonder my lady,
No more wonder,
It's not a single word in my pages that slipped from my mouth when i fail to put into
and neither to judge you;
Judging to make it messier before it turns beautiful.
It's not that i do every time to snatch those freedoms,
a freedom to domesticate you. 
It's simple and sincere;
It's's all those that begins from mad love and extreme care that has grown from the time you appear,
Like those plants that grows even through broken walls,
Since from the time when i get into you totally.
Beginning the dawn when you show me the love in my love completely
It's all those sincere love, that born everything crazily,
with huge madness, it's a word of my page for why i bother you so much.

Unrecognized thoughts 

I don't know for sure, whether the particular things or stuffs happens to everyone or not; where some particular thoughts or either the feeling bothers one so much from doing anything, starting from the daily usual activities like sleeping and eating. 

Nothing much to exaggerate, sometimes, at some point in our life, there comes a moment where we feel like drowned to the bottom of dark Deep Ocean fighting for an air to breathe and fighting for shaft of light for the warmth. Lately, I have been into this situations, but I want to make it clear that, it's nothing out of some hellish, bizarre or some worst stuffs that are going around in my daily life. You know, there is one thing that bothered me so much, at all times over this rolling week and had never let me walk so gently as usual. 

I don't know myself how to put it into, although I can feel it intensely and bothered me so much. Yap sometimes, as if it comes right on my lip, flicker in mind what that really bothered me, but it fade away so easily in no second before I get a word to describe. There is a thought on thought that overlaps before one took a lap, you know it arises before other sat down and bothers me so much in whatever I do, where I really could not focus particularly on one thing. Forget about the difficult ones I even could not focus on simplest stuffs. You know like usual, I tried to do the most simplest thing, where I find space all alone, sitting all by myself listening to song to get rid of all those thoughts that run over the thoughts, but again over the line's of the song it emerge as thoughts and another thought run down when other is not even of half way. 

Frankly speaking, it's neither a consequences of me thinking over the past that has walked down nor worried of the future days waiting ahead of me, it's neither due to an enormous thinking nor worried/tensed of anything but you know in whatever I do, suddenly those particular thoughts flooded over my mind overlapping with number of imaginary thoughts corrupting my mind, bothering me so much and this past week has been too tired. 

Usually I do all things on time and even if I don't, I at least manage to do it on the last day of the time, but these days, I am totally running out of the schedule and whole work trying to get off these thoughts. I don't know myself how I am trying to make myself feel happy and better, but still I feel like I am suffocating, struggling and landed up getting my brain heated up almost all time unable to stop those numbers of thoughts that sprung like fountains. I really don't know why and how this thousands thoughts give birth and propagate and bother me so much in whatever I do. 

I sometimes wonder, does it happen to everyone or not?

I wonder why thoughts run down over another sometime too fast.

I wonder why these particular thoughts are too active when we're not in need.

And I wonder where those unrecognized thoughts emerge from unnecessarily? 

 13th January 2013( something bigger than a surprise)

 Early winter morning of 12^th January 2014, at around 5 Am, my grandma woke me up as I have to leave Samdrup jongkhar the very day by any means because I have to reach Phuentsholing on latest by 14^th due to my booked train ticket to return back to college on mid day of 15^th. As I woke up, I felt like I have just spent a day ago with my parents in Bhutan, looking at the time that approach so fast for me to return back and no sooner without thinking much, then I washed my face, got dressed up and had breakfast and by that time finally time has came to depart with my parent’s and felt so heavy. Where, unlike before it was deep sadness that tear me half way, as I depart and seeing my Grandma  and Mommy crying and seeing the sad faces of Grandpa,  Daddy, Sister, brothers and other relative but how ever I stand not to as they would worry more. Then I started my journey and by early evening I reach down and was receive by my sister in law, tshoki and her friend. And shortly we came to room, talk a while and they left back to their room and I was all alone in room by myself and then started making call to my parents to inform that I reach safely and then finally made call to woman of my heart. We conversed as usual teasing, making fun and yup doing crazy and then after while I went to nearby restaurant to take dinner and then went to shop for voucher, buying some toiletries and to arrange the cab to move to Phuentsholing the next day.

I never like to be alone whenever I travel, as its total boring and don’t know what to do.  Moreover, it’s too lonely.  By then it was almost 10 pm and I ringed back to my girl friend and as usual we talked about the day, had fun joking, teasing in the phone and yap most importantly in our conversation I asked repeatedly like I have done number of times when I was already in the home to come to meet me before I leave to my college, as I would desperately miss her as I know how struggling it is to be far and a year being far from her taught me everything, but she refused and yap indeed, It was understandable , as she was busy most of the day with internship stuffs in Chukha hydro  project and moreover as she stay with her brother ,where she made me clear already that he is strict and report everything whatever happens to her to mommy, so with no single say I consider  all her problems  and didn't asked her again, and  shortly she paused me saying in low dim voice, “tsagye sorry, I didn't mean that I don’t want to meet you , but there Is no choice.” And explained everything and tried so much to make me feel better as always but still then light inside was getting dimmer, as I really can’t imagine leaving for college without meeting her. I felt lonelier, sad and didn't find any way and reasons to be happy and after that with goodnight kiss we hang our phone. 

It was already midnight as we hang our call and no sooner had I try to get sleep as I have to wake up early for the tomorrow’s journey then the particular feeling and thought of not getting able to meet her flooded in making me die inside so pathetically and made sleeping really difficult. Moreover it was so lonely like those wandering stars in the azure sky all alone in the big haunted room.  Struggling moving side to side, turning up and down,  trying to stop of thinking  to get sleep,  after long while I was off to sleep, but didn't knew how sleep came over, as it was not that easy that night to get a sleep as I look.

The very next morning, at around 5 am I manage to wake up, washed my face and then call cab to ask when we’re taking off. Driver was so kind and told me that he will call me when’re about to leave and ask me to stay in room as it’s cold outside and moreover as I would to have wait as they were searching for more passenger. However, I went to the cab parking which is of 3 minute walk from my room to reach my brief case as it was difficult for me to carry all bags at once and to make sure everything is confirm. And then I went to one of the restaurant for breakfast, as I have to bear through all inside the cab travelling long and tiresome journey.

At around 6 past 30, I got a call from the driver and then rush with bags to parking but still 2 passenger has not turn up, so we have to wait and in mean while, other passenger’s start sitting and making themselves comfortable and I was outside busy making call to mom to inform that I am about to start my journey and most importantly to wish tsagyem as it was our special day (13^th) and wanted her to be happy smiling from morning, which means a lot to me. After almost 20 to 25 minutes they did turn up and we started our journey at around 7 am in the morning. The morning was warm, fresh, clear and totally silent except for those chirping birds, fast moving wheels of the cab and monk reciting prayer just right next to me. After a while the monk stop reciting prayers and then he broke the silence in the cab talking to me and started our conversation questioning each other smiling where we’re from, to where we’re heading and talking much stuff even about the life and yup he was kind enough to advice me, talk to me and by then my loneliness, boredom were lost in laughter and smiles and like in a minute of time I felt like we have reached to place where everyone travelling this road rest for an hour taking lunch and all. But our driver continued our journey without resting, as most of the passenger inside the cab I am travelling were busy sleeping, some fighting with motion sickness hoping every minute to  reach destination fast and yup, inside I was feeling sorry for them. Again then I started conversing with a monk and after while he too has fallen to sleep,  by then only two of us were awake( driver and me) , with silence taking over again and yap, thought of talking with driver and make journey interesting but I was in the last sit, so there was no choice.

After almost 3 hours from the lunch time with silence and total boredom, we reach Phuentsholing very early evening and then everyone got dispersed excitingly. But Like them, I didn't have any excitement and moreover I felt so lethargic and blue. However as I have to spend my night in hotel (though I have my uncle staying in phuentsholing I have never choose to stay and love to be spend over), then I rushed to hotel where I used to stay most of the time when I travel managing one porter as I could not carry all of my bags together and in mean while going to hotel, I switch on my mobile, suddenly in no second I receive a call from my only tsagyem,  although I was sad as she was not coming, but her call always mean a lot to me and without holding even a bit I picked her call. She told me in the phone that, “thinking my tsagye is upset and down looking at his poor tsagyem, I managed at least to call to my friend to book room for you in my name.”  And yup she told me to go directly to the hotel and cross check her name with room number and go to the room as her friend is waiting there.

I rushed to the hotel and yup saw her name in 6^th and cross checked the room number and went to room. When I reached there, the hotel cleaner was cleaning the room and I was just wondering where her friend is, as she was nowhere to find and in mean while I gave money to porter and then upon arranging my bags inside keeping on the table and bed, I saw one cute little bag which was exactly the same which I have gifted to her on the table. Once I thought, my tsagyem must have turned up but smiling, I thought again I must be being silly as her friends must have that similar bag too, and then I came outside the balcony to give room cleaner a time to clean the room.  As I came outside, I don’t know how to describe how I felt, but I have one particular feeling that “no matter how much sad you feel you are, happiness is always right next when you turn when your important person in life is there for you” this is the magic of a love.                                                                                                                       She, my angel, woman of my heart, was just their leaning beautifully on the balcony.                                   

 Her cheek was on her hand, Faced down.

And with the closing step that I took,

In minute of time she turned an angle exactly moving her head to look,

There, she was exactly like beautiful rising sun,

Rising above the balcony so greatly glowing,

With the single turn, her hair flowed dressing naturally; 

It was like nature art drawn beautifully. 

And I could see her smile not just on lips but even in the eyes,

Making me almost cries.

She walked toward me innocently and fairly.

But I was still lost in the magic of huge joys madly.

And With my hand over her, hugging so tight,

It was a like drinking water in desert with huge thirst.

And was a moment that I shed tears of huge joys with indefinable happiness,                                            over the magical surprise,

                                                      

 I don’t how much she discovered how I felt, but I really want to know that, it was something, something more than a special, a big surprise, a big day on our day and moreover, simply she made me feel simply on the top of world, where I just felt like shouting loud, louder than anything, saying, “I love you so much pelden.”  In life, no matter what, how much ever we’re sad, upset or over blues,  the happiness take no time to get rid all this from us. I feel so much blessed to have a lady who is down to earth.

Indefinable day(an excerpt from my story from the diary)

Her cheek was on her hand, Faced down.

And with the closing step that I took,

In minute of time she turned an angle exactly moving her head to look,

There, she was exactly like beautiful rising sun,

Rising above the balcony so greatly glowing,

With the single turn, her hair flowed dressing naturally; 

It was like nature art drawn beautifully.  

And I could see her smile not just on lips but even in the eyes,

Making me almost cries.

She walked toward me innocently and fairly.

But I was still lost in the magic of huge joys madly.

And With my hand over her, hugging so tight,

It was a like drinking water in desert with huge thirst.

And was a moment that I shed tears of huge joys in indefinable happiness,                                                          

Over magical surprise,

(the unforgettable, indefinable and the most gifted day-13th of January 2013. )