Unrecognized thoughts 

I don't know for sure, whether the particular things or stuffs happens to everyone or not; where some particular thoughts or either the feeling bothers one so much from doing anything, starting from the daily usual activities like sleeping and eating. 

Nothing much to exaggerate, sometimes, at some point in our life, there comes a moment where we feel like drowned to the bottom of dark Deep Ocean fighting for an air to breathe and fighting for shaft of light for the warmth. Lately, I have been into this situations, but I want to make it clear that, it's nothing out of some hellish, bizarre or some worst stuffs that are going around in my daily life. You know, there is one thing that bothered me so much, at all times over this rolling week and had never let me walk so gently as usual. 

I don't know myself how to put it into, although I can feel it intensely and bothered me so much. Yap sometimes, as if it comes right on my lip, flicker in mind what that really bothered me, but it fade away so easily in no second before I get a word to describe. There is a thought on thought that overlaps before one took a lap, you know it arises before other sat down and bothers me so much in whatever I do, where I really could not focus particularly on one thing. Forget about the difficult ones I even could not focus on simplest stuffs. You know like usual, I tried to do the most simplest thing, where I find space all alone, sitting all by myself listening to song to get rid of all those thoughts that run over the thoughts, but again over the line's of the song it emerge as thoughts and another thought run down when other is not even of half way. 

Frankly speaking, it's neither a consequences of me thinking over the past that has walked down nor worried of the future days waiting ahead of me, it's neither due to an enormous thinking nor worried/tensed of anything but you know in whatever I do, suddenly those particular thoughts flooded over my mind overlapping with number of imaginary thoughts corrupting my mind, bothering me so much and this past week has been too tired. 

Usually I do all things on time and even if I don't, I at least manage to do it on the last day of the time, but these days, I am totally running out of the schedule and whole work trying to get off these thoughts. I don't know myself how I am trying to make myself feel happy and better, but still I feel like I am suffocating, struggling and landed up getting my brain heated up almost all time unable to stop those numbers of thoughts that sprung like fountains. I really don't know why and how this thousands thoughts give birth and propagate and bother me so much in whatever I do. 

I sometimes wonder, does it happen to everyone or not?

I wonder why thoughts run down over another sometime too fast.

I wonder why these particular thoughts are too active when we're not in need.

And I wonder where those unrecognized thoughts emerge from unnecessarily? 

 13th January 2013( something bigger than a surprise)

 Early winter morning of 12^th January 2014, at around 5 Am, my grandma woke me up as I have to leave Samdrup jongkhar the very day by any means because I have to reach Phuentsholing on latest by 14^th due to my booked train ticket to return back to college on mid day of 15^th. As I woke up, I felt like I have just spent a day ago with my parents in Bhutan, looking at the time that approach so fast for me to return back and no sooner without thinking much, then I washed my face, got dressed up and had breakfast and by that time finally time has came to depart with my parent’s and felt so heavy. Where, unlike before it was deep sadness that tear me half way, as I depart and seeing my Grandma  and Mommy crying and seeing the sad faces of Grandpa,  Daddy, Sister, brothers and other relative but how ever I stand not to as they would worry more. Then I started my journey and by early evening I reach down and was receive by my sister in law, tshoki and her friend. And shortly we came to room, talk a while and they left back to their room and I was all alone in room by myself and then started making call to my parents to inform that I reach safely and then finally made call to woman of my heart. We conversed as usual teasing, making fun and yup doing crazy and then after while I went to nearby restaurant to take dinner and then went to shop for voucher, buying some toiletries and to arrange the cab to move to Phuentsholing the next day.

I never like to be alone whenever I travel, as its total boring and don’t know what to do.  Moreover, it’s too lonely.  By then it was almost 10 pm and I ringed back to my girl friend and as usual we talked about the day, had fun joking, teasing in the phone and yap most importantly in our conversation I asked repeatedly like I have done number of times when I was already in the home to come to meet me before I leave to my college, as I would desperately miss her as I know how struggling it is to be far and a year being far from her taught me everything, but she refused and yap indeed, It was understandable , as she was busy most of the day with internship stuffs in Chukha hydro  project and moreover as she stay with her brother ,where she made me clear already that he is strict and report everything whatever happens to her to mommy, so with no single say I consider  all her problems  and didn't asked her again, and  shortly she paused me saying in low dim voice, “tsagye sorry, I didn't mean that I don’t want to meet you , but there Is no choice.” And explained everything and tried so much to make me feel better as always but still then light inside was getting dimmer, as I really can’t imagine leaving for college without meeting her. I felt lonelier, sad and didn't find any way and reasons to be happy and after that with goodnight kiss we hang our phone. 

It was already midnight as we hang our call and no sooner had I try to get sleep as I have to wake up early for the tomorrow’s journey then the particular feeling and thought of not getting able to meet her flooded in making me die inside so pathetically and made sleeping really difficult. Moreover it was so lonely like those wandering stars in the azure sky all alone in the big haunted room.  Struggling moving side to side, turning up and down,  trying to stop of thinking  to get sleep,  after long while I was off to sleep, but didn't knew how sleep came over, as it was not that easy that night to get a sleep as I look.

The very next morning, at around 5 am I manage to wake up, washed my face and then call cab to ask when we’re taking off. Driver was so kind and told me that he will call me when’re about to leave and ask me to stay in room as it’s cold outside and moreover as I would to have wait as they were searching for more passenger. However, I went to the cab parking which is of 3 minute walk from my room to reach my brief case as it was difficult for me to carry all bags at once and to make sure everything is confirm. And then I went to one of the restaurant for breakfast, as I have to bear through all inside the cab travelling long and tiresome journey.

At around 6 past 30, I got a call from the driver and then rush with bags to parking but still 2 passenger has not turn up, so we have to wait and in mean while, other passenger’s start sitting and making themselves comfortable and I was outside busy making call to mom to inform that I am about to start my journey and most importantly to wish tsagyem as it was our special day (13^th) and wanted her to be happy smiling from morning, which means a lot to me. After almost 20 to 25 minutes they did turn up and we started our journey at around 7 am in the morning. The morning was warm, fresh, clear and totally silent except for those chirping birds, fast moving wheels of the cab and monk reciting prayer just right next to me. After a while the monk stop reciting prayers and then he broke the silence in the cab talking to me and started our conversation questioning each other smiling where we’re from, to where we’re heading and talking much stuff even about the life and yup he was kind enough to advice me, talk to me and by then my loneliness, boredom were lost in laughter and smiles and like in a minute of time I felt like we have reached to place where everyone travelling this road rest for an hour taking lunch and all. But our driver continued our journey without resting, as most of the passenger inside the cab I am travelling were busy sleeping, some fighting with motion sickness hoping every minute to  reach destination fast and yup, inside I was feeling sorry for them. Again then I started conversing with a monk and after while he too has fallen to sleep,  by then only two of us were awake( driver and me) , with silence taking over again and yap, thought of talking with driver and make journey interesting but I was in the last sit, so there was no choice.

After almost 3 hours from the lunch time with silence and total boredom, we reach Phuentsholing very early evening and then everyone got dispersed excitingly. But Like them, I didn't have any excitement and moreover I felt so lethargic and blue. However as I have to spend my night in hotel (though I have my uncle staying in phuentsholing I have never choose to stay and love to be spend over), then I rushed to hotel where I used to stay most of the time when I travel managing one porter as I could not carry all of my bags together and in mean while going to hotel, I switch on my mobile, suddenly in no second I receive a call from my only tsagyem,  although I was sad as she was not coming, but her call always mean a lot to me and without holding even a bit I picked her call. She told me in the phone that, “thinking my tsagye is upset and down looking at his poor tsagyem, I managed at least to call to my friend to book room for you in my name.”  And yup she told me to go directly to the hotel and cross check her name with room number and go to the room as her friend is waiting there.

I rushed to the hotel and yup saw her name in 6^th and cross checked the room number and went to room. When I reached there, the hotel cleaner was cleaning the room and I was just wondering where her friend is, as she was nowhere to find and in mean while I gave money to porter and then upon arranging my bags inside keeping on the table and bed, I saw one cute little bag which was exactly the same which I have gifted to her on the table. Once I thought, my tsagyem must have turned up but smiling, I thought again I must be being silly as her friends must have that similar bag too, and then I came outside the balcony to give room cleaner a time to clean the room.  As I came outside, I don’t know how to describe how I felt, but I have one particular feeling that “no matter how much sad you feel you are, happiness is always right next when you turn when your important person in life is there for you” this is the magic of a love.                                                                                                                       She, my angel, woman of my heart, was just their leaning beautifully on the balcony.                                   

 Her cheek was on her hand, Faced down.

And with the closing step that I took,

In minute of time she turned an angle exactly moving her head to look,

There, she was exactly like beautiful rising sun,

Rising above the balcony so greatly glowing,

With the single turn, her hair flowed dressing naturally; 

It was like nature art drawn beautifully. 

And I could see her smile not just on lips but even in the eyes,

Making me almost cries.

She walked toward me innocently and fairly.

But I was still lost in the magic of huge joys madly.

And With my hand over her, hugging so tight,

It was a like drinking water in desert with huge thirst.

And was a moment that I shed tears of huge joys with indefinable happiness,                                            over the magical surprise,

                                                      

 I don’t how much she discovered how I felt, but I really want to know that, it was something, something more than a special, a big surprise, a big day on our day and moreover, simply she made me feel simply on the top of world, where I just felt like shouting loud, louder than anything, saying, “I love you so much pelden.”  In life, no matter what, how much ever we’re sad, upset or over blues,  the happiness take no time to get rid all this from us. I feel so much blessed to have a lady who is down to earth.

Indefinable day(an excerpt from my story from the diary)

Her cheek was on her hand, Faced down.

And with the closing step that I took,

In minute of time she turned an angle exactly moving her head to look,

There, she was exactly like beautiful rising sun,

Rising above the balcony so greatly glowing,

With the single turn, her hair flowed dressing naturally; 

It was like nature art drawn beautifully.  

And I could see her smile not just on lips but even in the eyes,

Making me almost cries.

She walked toward me innocently and fairly.

But I was still lost in the magic of huge joys madly.

And With my hand over her, hugging so tight,

It was a like drinking water in desert with huge thirst.

And was a moment that I shed tears of huge joys in indefinable happiness,                                                          

Over magical surprise,

(the unforgettable, indefinable and the most gifted day-13th of January 2013. )  

                               

A midnight with FC. Barcelona vs Athletico match( quarter final, second leg. champions league)
                         

                        Today from the early morning, despite having my exam i was waiting curiously for the quarter final for champions league between Barcelona and Athletico madrid which was going to kick off at midnight and seriously i was so sure for Barcelona to get through this second leg so easily, how ever it was total turn out, which made my night so blue. (I supported this club next after Real Madrid so much from the time i started developing as a passionate soccer player and as tonight as the club didn't make it to semi final, it was  a sort of blue night)

As the time approaches for the kick off, I  started making myself comfortable,keeping my water bottle on the table,  arrange  lap top on the desk in clear view and made myself so comfortably leaning on the walls switching on the match from the, sport lemon web site. By then, at around 12:15 the match started and from the very early beginning the half of light was shut down after Athletico Madrid player "keko" made his way through net shortly after 5 minutes from the kick off turning aggregate 2-1. In the very first half, the madrid, played so comfortably, despite the total control of the ball with Barcelona as always and thought that Barcelona had rare chance to turn off the game. By then as second half begins, they started playing defensively which provide a large barrier for Barca to penetrate and to make a way through the net. How ever, despite the strongest defensive play, the Barca, tried so much, did so well and yup got numbers of chance and my light inside started waking up,but as they failed to score, even if the ball was right in front and right from that time, i got an answer and my total light shut down and  i knew it was not a good day for them, indeed a bad day.
Finally as the match ended, the fans of athletico started cheering, and fans of Barca getting dimmer and i was one of them among million taking so much energy cheering up myself alone in the room expecting to win, but they didn't make it as i expected, how ever they tried, played so well and yup made a taste of football as always. Cheers! to Barca and yap congratulate athletico for making to semi final.

        Look From the old chair when I started my college days.

             Have you ever tried going back to those times in your mind when you say?

Upon those worst times;  like whenever you get pissed off over the horrible situation, whenever during broken days or during some awful times when leak into our door saying, life sucks or it’s hell. And comparatively in those happy days when you exclaim wow! What an awesome time/day/moment, when a light has shown upon you. but if we look into closer view, it's all upon us how to make it a day that we want.

Undeniably it must be true to almost all of us with these particular stuffs, even if we don’t speak out. As human, we always have a tendency to cheer only on those times when it glows and get off to the shore during worst times, being negligent to try and standing tall.

Many of us, usually during those worst times, our positive energy lowers down to zero, failing to stand when the situation pulls, failing to fight when situation challenge us, and to put in extra effort when you’re in sheer as during those time’s we never think of the happiness that will come tomorrow and as we don’t know that, the challenges of today give us a total strength to stand tall happily the very next time. Human in general has never been powerful himself to conquer his mind though he can build unimaginable stuff in a minute of time. You know, whenever, when the worst times show upon us, simultaneously it triggered like an antigen and antibody formation, where our mind is filled with all those negativity, heart filled with all those negative feelings( Hatred, Sadness, Anger..Fear...etc), because most of us has never been so successful in conquering our mind. Say for example, if there is very important test like as if do and die for life tomorrow and it was announce just one day ago. If I am not wrong, out of hundredth, ninety nine percent of us would land up getting scare and fear how can I do? With anger, why they didn't announce us earlier? And with sadness and despair, I am poor and I really can’t make it. But if we seriously take into as normal thing in our normal life, will we be scared, angry and sad? I don’t think, because our mind and heart has never been able to focus on our inner thought sometimes. See, we clearly can discover that, the worst time, the worst situation, completely rule us giving us all those negative feeling, and as we grow up on this negativity, thus we land up saying, “Damn! Life sucks, (or something like so poor of me, or what the hell).”  But what we actually need to do is to face it with generating a positive thoughts, standing tall without getting despair with the self trust and courage to move, because life as whole is never on only one thing for all of us and will never will be to make ourselves happy, as we can find many different roads to make it.

Yup similarly, let me go with some positive situations.  Like for example, how you will react when you’re most awaited day show upon what on earth it is. Every one of us, would be heavenly happy and indeed an indefinable happiness that you can’t hold. That’s similarly what happens here too, where the positive situation generate our positive thought, positive energy, feeling and love, thus with mark from our lips with immense happiness inside “ what a perfect day” comes out. But life has never been, so perfect, so pure and permanent, it’s our entire mind that make up.

Looking back sitting from those old chair of my first year college till now, though haven’t spend much time here in India and yet still have couple of year to spend, Fighting every day and night of my 1^st year to the 2^nd year as it’s about to complete, I came to discover with every situation here in India that, nothing is so perfect, nothing is so worst. Many times, as I pass though the street, auto driver, tea maker,  beggar and everything which are fighting for their own living restlessly yet smilingly always give me a reason of more than thousands, that it totally depend upon us how to make it a day. Yap I know, some might argue on this point saying, this is the situation in India, but if we look into with closer view, it’s like our daily challenges that totally build up with our inner strength of mind and heart. Challenges usually are in many different form’s,  and let me tell you, our anger, our sadness, despairs and all around the negative thoughts put us down like we never can wake up. But those of every people working in the street road, living each days fighting in the scorching sun, accepting the truth of challenge, they keep fighting for living, destroying their negative thoughts every time that’s what I call the simple hero of the their own life. Because, many of us whether big or small, rich or poor, we usually face a problem with our negative thoughts to be the hero. If we really think better, the happiness is right next door to us. Therefore, what so important for all of us is, it’s not “what a hell” or “what a big  day”  but every day is the starting of life….to live with hope and dreams with positive energy to face it no matter how worst is the situation.

                      Late afternoon call.

                Like every usual day for me,one Sunday i was sleeping deep on the bed till afternoon, and yap that too i woke up only after mommy called me. When i share all this stuffs, It doesn't mean that I find most of my days in college sleeping, but there is no choice usually in hot summer days, where we can't get outside like other normal days even if want to, where we can't refresh by playing's, going for walk until the evening swallow the day and moreover these days as we are in sort of holiday for the semester exam preparation most of the time, there is nothing to do, so we find time usually sleeping to save boredom and summer heat of India.

Late afternoon, i heard a buzzing bees like sound on my table, time and again and in half sleep i woke up to check and it was a call from my mommy. Suddenly, then i rub my eyes, clear throat to pretend that i was not sleeping till at this time as mommy will definitely feel bad, but as i picked up my phones, mommy knew it that i was just waking up, as usually when we just wake up, our hoarse voice just appear and disclose the truth.  and then she scolded me saying "cheychey,why are you sleeping till late after noon? and i guess you're still sleeping like the way you use to do when you are at home, grow up chey chey with a pause."  then i was smiling drowsily and answered with lies to escape and not to let mommy worries as she most of the time land up worrying, tensing for us. After that, like usual, we find our conversation where by; She always ask me how i am doing? how is my studies going on? how is my health and how is the status of everything in all around and we hanged our phone and by then my sleepiness has already gone but still then i lied down on the bed to get rid of those laziness and the very time, a particular thought sprung up in my mind and i realize one thing. and it's damn true to each and everyone of us.
You know most of the time, we land up pretending, neglecting without getting up and putting our selves into their position, until and unless as time show upon us and make us realize. Obviously i am pretty sure that, not only me, most of the people around the world would find through word to defend everything what they love and what they care. Everyone of us, we do have much to say on thing's we love and care, people we love and care, because simply there is a huge feeling of attachment and love, that's why we never wanted our thing and people to fall down, we always want to look better, best and as we expected, that's why we always have unending says.
Yap sometimes to us, it sounds as complain, scolding and being strict and i don't disregard too, after all it's true to all spring chickens in the world. But until and unless as time come for everyone of us to realize and stop escaping away through lies.
You'll a discover a real meaning out of it.
See, if we really look into with deep focus, you know, like everyone we have a unending words coming inside our mind, crazy feeling in our heart and that's why, we can't stand on seeing what we love and care in wrong positions and as what we expected.
That's why every mom in the world in one way or other way,  they know they're mother and they do always have a responsibility to make their own child better with love and care. That's why be it scolding or advice, harsh or strict, complain or say,  if we really take into greater account, every word that spoke to us is single wisdom for a day to become better human being.
Thus reasonably, we need to understand that, for each and every person to whom we have feeling call love and care,  we always much unending says and complains, 'cause we want the best out of them.

                                         

"definition of the perfect beauty"
looking back from all those time when i was in love( 13-1-2013)to each and every moment i spend, i got million reasons to explain that "love can fight all war" 
a message of dedication to my love that defines my life.

She discovered my real dream.
Indeed, she is an angel that never make me despair a single moment.
Not even day, no matter how harsh.
She not only ease the living days,
But she totally changed the way how i think,

How I look things into

and how i understand the world.

She got to understand that; 

She is the only gift in my life that i am so lucky of,

Who would blow away the harshness.

And give the chance to feel stronger,

Stronger that can stand tall in all times,

No matter how harsh,

No matter how devastating.

Falling in love madly,

Each and every crazy moments

You taught me that:

It’s not necessary to be strong

But to feel strong with brave heart that never quiver.

And  heart that will never quit what you crave for.

You're  my number one,

You're  meaning to a word "perfect" for me.