I miss you.

Where ever I go, where ever I stay; you’re only one I

have in my mind.

Even in my sleep, you have become my dream.

Yeah, having to stay far from you is tough, yet become worst when I have to live each day with the fear of losing you.

But million’s battle I have to pass before I go to sleep.

Somewhere away from you and home, I am here.

World is new and big, city beautiful and awake twenty four seven,

But without you, everything is charmless.

All I wish is to be with you forever.

Hundreds of morning came and night has passed without you.

Even winter has flew, spring has came and yet summer is about to come,

But still I couldn't see you.

Desperate is my feeling to see you each morning like the first ray of sun and spend each day of my life.

I see millions of people face around,

Flight’s flying above my place now and then.

But still I couldn't see you.

All I wish is to see you beside me now and forever.

Here away from you, I live with each single memory of us,

When you make me run to chase you,

When we sing together hours and hours and millions more- you know well.

Haunted is me, madness is my feeling, crazy is my thought and act.

All I wish is to spend each single day and die old with you.

 "your voice my music, your smile my sunshine,

you are everything that i am happy for."

Night, my day.

It was early morning before my medicinal chemistry exam and after my whole awake night just like many of those warriors who prepares before the battles. 

I started preparing for the exam for long three nights till the next dawn, where my sleeping time started from early morning till the evening time when everybody is awake. It's not that i wanted to, but my sleeping pattern was pathetically disturbed. I don't know myself since when it started, but it's been a long time I wasn't able to sleep at night which i am suppose to like everybody, so most of the time i was using those waking hour to burn the midnight oil for the exam, but i never felt good and okay, because it was totally just the opposite to the  usual life i live each and every day.

Usually i started eating my break fast at around 4 PM in the evening, which is my morning, then i started to flip pages, i started to read and prepare for the exam and my dinner and lunch would be basically around close to midnight. Basically my day was night, moon was my sun and i use to stay whole night just flipping pages, just reading note's, listening to music, going up to the top of building and watching the sky dark dotted with beautiful stars and all this takes me to the dawn; when city awakes.
Early morning yesterday i was just like other night awake preparing for my medicinal chemistry exam, my friends were also awake too till morning busy preparing, as this subject needs a whole lot of preparations, understanding, attention and revision unlike other subjects. Medicinal chemistry is filled with whole lot of drugs that we use daily by each of one us to treat, diagnose and feel better from sickness. When you study medicinal chemistry, it gives you a magic about a particular drugs- it explains you from the simple query,  why this drug is taken particularly for the particular diseases, it answers you why it's counter indicated and it explains even the facets of chemistry, pharmcoanalysis, chemical analysis, that's why it require whole of understanding and preparation for this exam.At around 9 AM i had my chemistry exam yesterday and yeah it went good as much as my preparation deserved,  but the worst thing was, i couldn't even stand for a single hour after my exam, where my eyes were very heavy, my body so tired, felt like i was coming from the war and no sooner i was dead like log on the bed.

When i woke up i could not believe myself, it was 1:00 AM in the morning after i slept at around 2 PM in evening yesterday, and as always i am awake right on the bed right now. I am starting to think, i am not living the life i am suppose to. I miss my home back at BHUTAN, I miss my mom and dad, who always care me and i realize now,  in this life there is nothing as such a special, just being able to live a day like everyone, just being able to sleep at night, just able to eat on time, following daily routine is more than special.

I do got an answer now, why mommy always wake us( my brother who is presently working at MHPA TRONGSA and me ) early in the morning, why she always told to sleep on time, yet we rarely do what she told us. We always fail, waking up after lunch was our style, and she would be sad, seeing us not sleeping on time, not waking on time, not eating on time. It was simple, she want us to live a life each day, seeing and enjoying beauty of each seconds.
Right at this moment, i just wish to finish my exam faster, go back to home and live the life. Waking up early in morning, sleeping on time is worth than anything.

Breath.

Yesterday was exactly the point from where my eyes were,
I felt so long,
Heavy was my heart, even million song couldn't do a help.
Time has arrived, flew and even transpired.
Leaving with whole sweet battles and pain, but those were my light.
The road to my heart.

Through the journey of yesterday,
Time has left me tired,
Exhausted was my body, even an hour of rest do nothing better.
Time has arrived, flew and even transpired.
Leaving with whole sweet battles and pain, but those were my light.
The road to my heart.

Tonight time has arrived just like before.
War is on the front whether i like it or not.
But at least a gleam on the corner i could see;
With the road i hit,
With the war i fought,
With the pain i endured
 Finally i could see the light, this is gonna take me home... finally a breath.

   

LONG NIGHT.

  

For the long time when you left me;

I tried walking every road i was given,

I tried smiling every person i passes by,

But inside i was and i am still lonely.

For the long time when you left me;

I tried to cheer with the people around,

I tried to make myself lost doing something,

But inside i was and i am still tortured heavily.

For the long time when you left me;

I tried listening to the musics,

I tried playing the games,

But inside i was and i am still burnt.

Since the long hours without you,

My heart has been still pounding,

My body so thirsty and still sweating,

My mouth still foaming,

I have all those sickness in my head, which hammer me heavily.

I have been a long time without you,

The thing's are still same rough and exhausting since from the point when you left me here.

It's dark like for century, a long night that never cease. 

Only little tough day makes tomorrow better and happier.

Lately I met myself where being weak and worrying never changes everything, because irrespective of anything, everyone is subject to rough days. Neither me nor you can skip, quit or do magic to avoid all this battles of life, because the path of life is just made in one direction. Sun and stars in the sky also don’t show always, sometime’s cloud rules, that’s why the law is comparatively similar on this earth to everything.

I walked a long journey of my life, encounter with so many battles with different degree of toughness, where sometime’s I win, where sometime’s I lose, where sometimes I get carried away with all this heavy weight of suffer and worries, but what I discovered to myself lately was there is nothing call winning or losing or getting carried away, it’s all that we made to ourselves, it’s basically us who give us most of the difficult time’s. That is why; it’s just us, your own self that creates the whole surrounding around you.  We travel here and there, walk so many paths but the entire road is just one way- moving forward and on this road, nobody see the success right in front, neither resolve every complicated situation that arouses then and there, that’s why it’s all those little troubles, a battles, a worries or whatever poison that kills you is the ultimate door to a good time’s.

Being weak never help, rather it weakens you further, worrying too much never changes rather it wears you like the canines that tear off everything, so in order to fight any battle of life, we really don’t need all those sophisticated tools, we really don’t need all those inborn intelligence, we really don’t need a physical strength, so the answer to the question of what we really need is;

Yeah ,People are born with different view and perspectives,  with seed sown on the plate of their mind which they interpret differently, and may be they have their own answer to the above, or maybe they haven’t yet known or in way of searching just like I was before. So to me what I really discovered to myself was, a hero is an ordinary individual who knows how to battle well, how to handle the situation without worrying too much, and of all that little courage that makes a strength and energy to battle. You know, no one has born and died without facing the troubles, it’s that entire little rough situation, an experience that makes a courage, strength, and unbeatable energy in hero. Being weak doesn't change, until you learn to be courageous and endure every worst time.

In the womb of cliche days

Waking up with each dawn break;

Walking the road given,

Working the with task you're responsible of,

Walk of life is all the same most of the time.

It’s tiresome and bored.

Exhausted and monotonous,

Tired and uninspired,

Waiting for that someday to be “energetic and young”

But in that womb of repeated cycle,

Do you ever come across, when you meet whole of yourself? When you meet whole of the surrounding that you live with?

I did, not so long and discovered, ‘people can’t be really defined” with whole sort of multidimensional, complex, complicated build up ideas, feeling’s, instinct founded with every bit bricks on the body and  in heart.

Growing up in my eye

I wish to photograph all the troubles that come by the journey of life, so there by I could edit all the stories like the novelist, like a mason where I can dressed the wall with all my styles of variety of stones, like the chef where I can cook the dishes of my taste so that it becomes the sum of all the parts that people usually call “beauty and perfect” like the beautiful rainbow in the light rain. 

Right at this moment, seriously I don’t know what I am doing right now, I don’t know what I want to do, and what I am suppose to do but still I am awake like an insomniac. I am right here as always sitting on my old chair, with the laptop on the desk with the flooded thoughts on; ‘what really is the purpose of life?’ in fact there must be hell lot of reasons but there is no single thing that I could really get it.

Searching, fighting and  trying to live a life that is given to us,  everyone struggles through the series of battles and most people whenever they saw a person battling irrespective of the blood relations, either the first or last word would be “that’s a life” “this is a life” “this is a how it works” and indeed for a few time’s I did use it to few, but lately I found it’s a little strange, because it’s never easy to adjust with whatever life throw upon us when sometime it’s off the shoulder, that’s why the war become worst  and suffered pain has lots of wounds with the thousands of story to tell.

When I was a kid living under the shell of lovely mom and dad, I use to think everything is just wonderful, life filled with joys and wonders, because all problems was solved before it comes to me, everything I wish was granted and it was one of those beautiful moments of life. I really do cherish always and sometime’s when the sky gets rough, I just wish to get back to those days and never want to grow because even if growing up physically is easy,  growing up with the life that throws upon is never easy as it use to be.  I don’t know if I am doing the right thing that I wanted to do for the best of my life, best of my loved ones and to the country that I have to serve, as usually I found myself getting lonelier each days inside, the works that I have to do is most of the time forgotten and sometimes I don’t know what I am potent of?  Seriously, sometimes I feel like I am forgetting to live the life, the purpose of life and my works.  I don’t know if you all feel the same but there’re sometime’s a certain stage where your day starts and end’s without doing nothing, totally doing nothing at all.

 The time in life keep slipping by yet I didn't discovered what I really wanted to be? Though by my profession that I am taking, I would be a pharmacist, but again I wonder, if it would be the best of me that I love, because “being in love” with everything is the true solution to every obstacles. Sometimes I am afraid if the life is always in this way, because what I witness in life is, so many people struggles doing work, struggle battling each day trying to survive and haven’t seen one doing work with love and will , though at the end survival is must. This is the point when I come to compare the same thing with them, because thousandths face a battle not just because they are forced too, but due to the choices and will, the affection and chemistry in whatever we do. I think if there is a will and love, everything becomes fairer or my whole of build up thought’s. But if it’s my build up thought’s I wonder sometime’s why sometime’s day ended doing nothing, though there is hell lot to shoulder.

a question of "Do i really have the enough experience or acquire the thing that i need what i am doing? and if i am fueling to grow bigger? worries me each night, yet i couldn't do any better.