Broken shoulder in COLD.

The broken shoulder pains much in cold,
Coldness make more terrible,
Terrible as nail on the feet.
Unthinkable,unmovable and unbearable.

Yet,biting senseless lips,
Rubbing hands to warm cold nails,
Panting with huge breath of air, like a smoke from the kitchen.
And with wish of warmth,
Just to feel ..passes long dying in the sweet cold.

My broken shoulder,

when coldness hit,

when thought extends to ocean,

when i care too much, it pains unbearably, otherwise it's good.

Good enough that i am damn good.

 Snows beautiful but freezing cold.

Window to the world, to the falling snows,

Beautiful, white and clean awakes your dozed heart;

Available oxygen to love’ a huge joys, you feel breath there.

Never seen something beautiful, you felt,

 But why you feel still cold at slight?

There you wish a little warmth so desperately, that you always live with.

You can’t stay forever somewhere like this,

But you feel you can, but it’s just as you hatch out of total hibernation,

Believe me for thy love.

Happiness yesterday took on top of world right?

Sentenced today destroyed you right?

What’s next, it’s you how you keep walking.

Snow’s are beautiful but it’s too cold.

  

What love taught me about life.

One night, when my lady couldn't attend me like usual, having nothing to do and feeling bored, I tried to catch some sleep but I landed up for more than an hour drooling over the bed, hugging pillow tight, trying hard to sleep, trying not to think and yeah suddenly thought flashed with a question; what is the biggest thing that you have ever experienced/learned being in love?   It was something that I can’t express in a word nor in sentence, it was something more than the short answers, and that’s how I came into this piece of another true story.

Since from the time when I fall in love with my lady who is unimaginably sexy and beautiful, the biggest part of war that still continues is the story of missing her.  I didn't know that I would land up missing her so badly, but it does so huge that some time even a day becomes so dry and tasteless when I couldn't get to talk and chat with her.

Usually being in love so tenderly, sincerely, faithfully and with all heart a person took us way far, where no matter what you do, no matter where you are, no matter where you go, a thought of person keeps flooding and drives us crazy each seconds.  The pain of missing is serious sickness where no matter what you do; you just want to get near her. It was my real experience of war after falling in love since for more than one and half year.  Here, I admit being in long distance relationship is the biggest war, but it’s a huge lesson in my life, as I get to discover how much she matters the most and her absence made me realize, how hard the life would be, as day without her showed upon me. (If we really don’t care the presence of anything, we don’t really know the value…it’s the absence that teach us)

Apart from (struggles) the story of missing, it also gave me huge lessons, teaching and understanding of where life really starts.  I don’t know when I really have all this huge impact after being in love, but yeah since from the time, when I started falling, I started learning to grow intellectually, spiritually and physically. I don’t know how far, it depends on the pair in relations, but yeah if there is love, there is always a will to do, there you find a door that open even its close, in fact some might deny with respect to their own status of living and relation, however It’s simple truth that would never die If you start learn to love willingly with a heart despite of your natural emotions.  Feeling of so warm, so much of positive energy, happy and sweet would come emotionally as you start falling but if you really don’t nurture with your emotions, it’s also a thing that can die. Everything in this world is subjected to all this matter of life. That’s what I interestingly found through the road that I traveled.  And yeah without having to mention, everybody witness and understand how everything wither, like the flower to end of spring. we know It’s not that flower really can’t blossom in other season, but it’s not as favorable as in particular month, thus what I really mean is if there isn't a sufficient attention of love, care and prayers everything starts to shrivel, no matter how much rich the world would be. (This is one of the biggest experiences that taught me not just to let emotions come naturally, but to put it into live)

 Without having to mention, people all around the globe must have their own cemented views on life after and before falling in love, and to me it’s something magical, something that I have never been through my life. Being in love is a special gift of strength and energy.  

Yet again there is another interesting part of story; being in relation, one becomes the part of another after falling for each other with all those tremendous emotions of love.  But have you wondered this, you know, no matter how much you’re madly in love, the problem of misunderstanding, jealousy, mistakes, so on never leave anyone. I call this “war of love”.    Spending time together minutes and hour, days and night, weeks and months with each other, some point of times problem arises making heated situation, where we are left with no word’s (speechless) and even if we explain, they don’t care, just as all human being where they try to defend one.  Sometimes it landed up to situations where you become so angry that you even don’t care what ever words come from your mouth.  And yeah almost for more than couples of our problems we landed up to all this situations, but I still know that no matter whether I am right or wrong, I always try to be the first person most of the time to say sorry and she never fails on her part to understand me in the most appreciated way. When I look back through the journey that I traveled with her, no matter how much far, separated we are, being in love gives us the strength to move with time. (I complained for the night being so dark, but if night isn't dark, stars would fail to look so bright and beautiful, that was a feeling she give me, an experience of love that teach and groomed me.)

I still remember how she smile big when i see for the first time, her smile "a krypton" of my heart

(ode to my lady)

I watched moon right above,
Judged over periods with love.
It was all same;
smiling big and beautiful with name.
Saw them lonely always in dark and horror night,
but they smile with light.

{Didn't knew the life has started, but it has already showed on me, it was all her that made me believe when I was yearning. She proved to me always with the strength of smile that rarely withers, I still remember how big she smiles when I saw her for the first time. Being in love and being yours is always the special feeling of blessed that you made me feel, you gave me the light of life that will never fade. You’re everything that I am for.]

It is not a story that I want to show that my relation is big, it’s especially my thankfulness for my lady for teaching me the reality of life, an experience of being in love and a message to the world that;

You will never know when you will fall in love, and when you fall for someone, you will know that it’s something that you have never been through. Preserve and protect what you fall for, for thy it will be only one that will keep you lighted when whole world become dark.

An hour of beat with gentle passing day.

Its no easy to pass by the gentle days,
It's harder each hour.
May not know how hard,
But it's difficult that it even give me a cramp right on my thought; i am so lost without you.
An hour of beat passes, and a dark slowly swallow the gentle night.
The birds start chirping louder and then fainter each second,
Everything soothes down slowly.
But my thoughts was same as what it was like when i wake up.
Where,I started to miss you from the early morning,
And right there i want to get back near to you,
Right next to you; where i wanted to keep watching you smiling with love.
Without you, i am so lost.
Without you everything is so tasteless, charmless and dry.
It's all you who set heaven for me.
For thy absence, i am so lost.

what ever i do, where ever i go,  the first thing that keeps coming to my mind is always YOU. you're like the first ray of sunlight that show to me.

i miss you more.

“STRENGTH IS LIFE, WEAKNESS IS DEATH”

.. very early morning, I woke up, got dressed into fine collar and chinos, collected lap coat from drawer and picked practical book from my study table to go to class, Suddenly my usual day work changed its course though it wasn't  unexpected..........

Starting from last night, repeatedly I was requested by one of my friend to help one brother who came from Bhutan to New Delhi to process his visa card for master study in United Kingdom as there is no facility accessible in Bhutan.  At the very first instant of his request , I denied with all silly excuses about my classes and my tough semester, in fact the reason is more and yeah I do have to attend classes regularly, as it’s bit a difficult semester for me unlike my first and second year of my course. But he didn't really took into consideration, suddenly a thought popped in my mind wondering why he can’t go and help him rather making a big branches of chain and after few minutes of our pause, “ tashi, choe ghi dhi VISA tshu process bey ni ghi korley shey lo mena, atshi help bey jin oi”  he told me to help him. I was by then left with no other choices than to let him know and explain about my condition this days; where I am financially broke , and that was the reason why I kept denying, still then I don’t know what was wrong, he had a more addition on it and somehow without finalizing anything, we went off to sleep.

The very next morning I was about to go to class, but suddenly I was stopped by yesterday’s undone stuff. I denied again saying and explaining everything to my friend thinking at least he will understand my situation better, but he didn't take any heed. I felt so childish denying and explaining to him time and again, and moreover felt sorry for that brother who came to process VISA and finally made my mind to go and help him to do his work, gathering all my strength, gathering all my power, standing tall even if I am financially broke. Actually what my thought was, ‘at least I must have some amount to help him move place to place, even If I can’t offer any big and special help, because I am the one who is staying here in Delhi and won’t face any problem as it’s my second home for now and he has just came for the VISA processing and would cost him a lot moving up and down, here and there’ thus reasonably I was weakened even If I want to help.

By around 9 am in the morning, by auto I took him to Axis bank which is located in CR park, greater kailaish, a few kilometer east from my university to deposit his fees for the VISA charges with referring to my fresh idea which I got a week ago after helping to process one of my relatives VISA and as he said me that, he can deposit from any international credit card, but as we reach their sadly the axis bank wasn't doing the fee payment and receiving for United kingdom VISA applicant. By then after few minute we headed to Trade tower, located in Nehru place where the appointment for all type VISA are done there  to ask the specific banks where he can deposit as he can’t access to online payment, but  they didn't give any clear idea, rather a short cut to go back to try again for online payment.

Once again we came back to the internet cafe’ to make online payment which nearly takes 20 to 30 minutes, there I stayed sitting outside waiting and wishing his work to be successful while he was processing his work, suddenly from nowhere again a thought of my last night and today morning situations came back flooding and I was just made to think, questioned myself and it was almost like monologue with my thoughts and constants nod with regard to a life and it’s challenge. That very time, thought of life has bothered me too much to the extent that I was lost in the midst of crowded city watching people walking here and there in the scorching sun, I was lost looking at those stray people begging, I was lost in random activities and reactive thoughts and I was just smiling to myself that, life is a real challenge that keep testing us .By then it was already 2 pm and I was still waiting for him, and a few minute later, his voice came saying , ‘bro, what shall we do now?  It’s again unsuccessful’ and yeah by that time we are left with no choice other than to make call to sir who deals with the VISA processing’s to ask for help and luckily he asked us to come up to discuss the matter. By then we walked to the main road to catch auto for going to Bhutan embassy which was located in race course, which nearly take more than an hour. Suddenly, as we pass down the street, I found a script lying on the dirty ground with just few sentence clear to my eyes, which states; “strength is life and weakness is death” and something like…power and all…and that very time, I felt that, that was an answer to life.  Because, most of us have the capacity to do, the most of us has the ability to fight, but the problem is just because of some weakness, we are brought down and that’s when we fail.  That was the one of very clear incident when I discover that, every human has more power to do than the average usual stuffs that we do, all we fail is to recognize our own potential.

Yeah after an hour, I guess almost around 3:30 pm we reached there at Bhutan embassy, had talk and discuss with the person who deals with the VISA and he gave the very detail explanation and he offered the help too. Which then after so long and tiring day, it was like an answer come true to the question that we struggled for a day.

After that, I reach back to university, took a short nap and was just thinking about the day and I was at least satisfied helping him, and yeah the lesson was big. You know, the early morning, even if I am going with him to help his work, I felt so uneasy as I was financially crunched and that totally don’t let me to be the real me, but as mid of day passed and seeing the script lying, it was like an answer, because strength is really a life and weakness is death.

Yeah everyone has the power to do more than what we do every day, but most of us get feared easily when things don’t gather peacefully. That’s what we are stopped constantly from doing something bigger than the big.  As such there is nothing to get off, all we need is to get prepare whole time smiling and being happy , because life has been that way always and no one can change. Life itself is an obstacle.

Journey back to Delhi after vacation.

"it was one fine early evening when i come from Bhutan to Delhi recently after two months of my vacations where i was totally lost and found myself haunted. sometimes we don't know what is happening inside us, around us and all, until some clear incident let us discover."

on the very night of 13th July, as always before i left for abroad, away from my close ones, i use to bid fare well through calls and unlike before days, it saddens me when almost all cried , when almost has shed tears and moreover when they all share the touching stories of how they felt, how they reacted, when they didn't able to connect to my mobile phone for the long hour it made me feel so touch. On that very day i was just travelling from Samdrup jongkhar to Phuentsholing and mostly you know we used to reach early then 4 PM in the evening but that time unluckily due to vehicle problem, i reached very late and in those borders, mobile phones don't work.

The next day, i have to leave for Delhi on 2 PM the early evening, i was by then not really prepared to move on, as this time unlike before for one year, i will not see my parents, see my close one and especially my little baby stupid girl who drives me crazier each moment. when i think of the year to stay without able to see them, i felt so down and destroyed, but at least inside me, there glows a little flame that always give me a hope to move on. 

The very early morning, like usual for 700 days ago, i started to miss her, i started to get haunted, and when i think of the before days to have to stay without her sound of laughter, smiles to see, voices to hear i get more destroyed and it was terrible with each moving seconds of the time. I don't know whether i was prepared or not, but i have to by law, but luckily as sometimes, as said" expects the unexpected" on the very sad day, one of my biggest day arrive, where i was so happy, where i have forgotten every thing and just felt i was on top of the world. "she knows better why?, she knows better how? and i thank her so much for always giving me a million reason to move on with life strongly, a millions justification for making me discover that i can do it and she is always my north star who inspires me. without her, i don't know if i can move on with life, but i admit the truth, it would be the damn difficult and greatest challenge for me, that's why i always wanted to be with her forever.

By then exactly at 11 AM i started my journey from Phuentsholing to train station to catch the train by cab. with each seconds then my breath grew heavier, i felt that so strongly, i look back once again, and started missing all those biggest times and never wanted to go further but i have to by any means. sometime's i felt life is cruel and in one way, i felt life itself is an obstacles and i started preparing for the last time. I dragged my diary from the laptop bag, started flipping the pages and started reading those beautiful writing of my angel who have written after my several request. i was so touched, i laughed several times, reading her writes and i am laughing right now too when i think of that. 

No sooner when i was reading then we have reached train station, and after 30 minutes we got in train and started our journey. once again i was feeling so heavy, i really didn't like those feelings, those heaviness that make me feel so blue, lost and raw. That very late night when every one was sleeping, through the windows of train, i look up in the sky, but as usual i could not see any single stars when usually watching from India and more over it was a bit of pinhole, when watching from the window to longest distance, and yap i tried to listen to songs, and doing so many things, but nothing help me to get better. but here i will admit the truth, what i did the most , one of the most repeated things in my life without feeling bored rather which made me feel so good, touched and happy.

The truth is, i flipped over the diary pages which have few writings over and over again and i just wish, if she could have written and have filled up all those pages. her writings, made me feel so good, special and seriously that was when i think, even the simplest stuffs in the world help us move strongly without fearing anything in the world.

and in midst of this story i have by then reached to Delhi and with smile, i started to begin my session well, as i wanted to bring the biggest smile in her, which is the most important wish for me.

Thank you tsagyem for always making me feel blessed, without you it would be a greatest war. your presence every where is my happiness that makes me do well in everything. 

My words in our pages.

It's true i speak  louder, 
and yap it's real i get wilder,
It's true i do nag for the million time's,
and yap it is never wrong for i open up myself in different views,
it's true i seek thousand explanation,
And damn true i genuinely question you more than necessary,
No wonder my lady,
No more wonder,
It's not a single word in my pages that slipped from my mouth when i fail to put into
and neither to judge you;
Judging to make it messier before it turns beautiful.
It's not that i do every time to snatch those freedoms,
a freedom to domesticate you. 
It's simple and sincere;
It's's all those that begins from mad love and extreme care that has grown from the time you appear,
Like those plants that grows even through broken walls,
Since from the time when i get into you totally.
Beginning the dawn when you show me the love in my love completely
It's all those sincere love, that born everything crazily,
with huge madness, it's a word of my page for why i bother you so much.

Unrecognized thoughts 

I don't know for sure, whether the particular things or stuffs happens to everyone or not; where some particular thoughts or either the feeling bothers one so much from doing anything, starting from the daily usual activities like sleeping and eating. 

Nothing much to exaggerate, sometimes, at some point in our life, there comes a moment where we feel like drowned to the bottom of dark Deep Ocean fighting for an air to breathe and fighting for shaft of light for the warmth. Lately, I have been into this situations, but I want to make it clear that, it's nothing out of some hellish, bizarre or some worst stuffs that are going around in my daily life. You know, there is one thing that bothered me so much, at all times over this rolling week and had never let me walk so gently as usual. 

I don't know myself how to put it into, although I can feel it intensely and bothered me so much. Yap sometimes, as if it comes right on my lip, flicker in mind what that really bothered me, but it fade away so easily in no second before I get a word to describe. There is a thought on thought that overlaps before one took a lap, you know it arises before other sat down and bothers me so much in whatever I do, where I really could not focus particularly on one thing. Forget about the difficult ones I even could not focus on simplest stuffs. You know like usual, I tried to do the most simplest thing, where I find space all alone, sitting all by myself listening to song to get rid of all those thoughts that run over the thoughts, but again over the line's of the song it emerge as thoughts and another thought run down when other is not even of half way. 

Frankly speaking, it's neither a consequences of me thinking over the past that has walked down nor worried of the future days waiting ahead of me, it's neither due to an enormous thinking nor worried/tensed of anything but you know in whatever I do, suddenly those particular thoughts flooded over my mind overlapping with number of imaginary thoughts corrupting my mind, bothering me so much and this past week has been too tired. 

Usually I do all things on time and even if I don't, I at least manage to do it on the last day of the time, but these days, I am totally running out of the schedule and whole work trying to get off these thoughts. I don't know myself how I am trying to make myself feel happy and better, but still I feel like I am suffocating, struggling and landed up getting my brain heated up almost all time unable to stop those numbers of thoughts that sprung like fountains. I really don't know why and how this thousands thoughts give birth and propagate and bother me so much in whatever I do. 

I sometimes wonder, does it happen to everyone or not?

I wonder why thoughts run down over another sometime too fast.

I wonder why these particular thoughts are too active when we're not in need.

And I wonder where those unrecognized thoughts emerge from unnecessarily? 

 13th January 2013( something bigger than a surprise)

 Early winter morning of 12^th January 2014, at around 5 Am, my grandma woke me up as I have to leave Samdrup jongkhar the very day by any means because I have to reach Phuentsholing on latest by 14^th due to my booked train ticket to return back to college on mid day of 15^th. As I woke up, I felt like I have just spent a day ago with my parents in Bhutan, looking at the time that approach so fast for me to return back and no sooner without thinking much, then I washed my face, got dressed up and had breakfast and by that time finally time has came to depart with my parent’s and felt so heavy. Where, unlike before it was deep sadness that tear me half way, as I depart and seeing my Grandma  and Mommy crying and seeing the sad faces of Grandpa,  Daddy, Sister, brothers and other relative but how ever I stand not to as they would worry more. Then I started my journey and by early evening I reach down and was receive by my sister in law, tshoki and her friend. And shortly we came to room, talk a while and they left back to their room and I was all alone in room by myself and then started making call to my parents to inform that I reach safely and then finally made call to woman of my heart. We conversed as usual teasing, making fun and yup doing crazy and then after while I went to nearby restaurant to take dinner and then went to shop for voucher, buying some toiletries and to arrange the cab to move to Phuentsholing the next day.

I never like to be alone whenever I travel, as its total boring and don’t know what to do.  Moreover, it’s too lonely.  By then it was almost 10 pm and I ringed back to my girl friend and as usual we talked about the day, had fun joking, teasing in the phone and yap most importantly in our conversation I asked repeatedly like I have done number of times when I was already in the home to come to meet me before I leave to my college, as I would desperately miss her as I know how struggling it is to be far and a year being far from her taught me everything, but she refused and yap indeed, It was understandable , as she was busy most of the day with internship stuffs in Chukha hydro  project and moreover as she stay with her brother ,where she made me clear already that he is strict and report everything whatever happens to her to mommy, so with no single say I consider  all her problems  and didn't asked her again, and  shortly she paused me saying in low dim voice, “tsagye sorry, I didn't mean that I don’t want to meet you , but there Is no choice.” And explained everything and tried so much to make me feel better as always but still then light inside was getting dimmer, as I really can’t imagine leaving for college without meeting her. I felt lonelier, sad and didn't find any way and reasons to be happy and after that with goodnight kiss we hang our phone. 

It was already midnight as we hang our call and no sooner had I try to get sleep as I have to wake up early for the tomorrow’s journey then the particular feeling and thought of not getting able to meet her flooded in making me die inside so pathetically and made sleeping really difficult. Moreover it was so lonely like those wandering stars in the azure sky all alone in the big haunted room.  Struggling moving side to side, turning up and down,  trying to stop of thinking  to get sleep,  after long while I was off to sleep, but didn't knew how sleep came over, as it was not that easy that night to get a sleep as I look.

The very next morning, at around 5 am I manage to wake up, washed my face and then call cab to ask when we’re taking off. Driver was so kind and told me that he will call me when’re about to leave and ask me to stay in room as it’s cold outside and moreover as I would to have wait as they were searching for more passenger. However, I went to the cab parking which is of 3 minute walk from my room to reach my brief case as it was difficult for me to carry all bags at once and to make sure everything is confirm. And then I went to one of the restaurant for breakfast, as I have to bear through all inside the cab travelling long and tiresome journey.

At around 6 past 30, I got a call from the driver and then rush with bags to parking but still 2 passenger has not turn up, so we have to wait and in mean while, other passenger’s start sitting and making themselves comfortable and I was outside busy making call to mom to inform that I am about to start my journey and most importantly to wish tsagyem as it was our special day (13^th) and wanted her to be happy smiling from morning, which means a lot to me. After almost 20 to 25 minutes they did turn up and we started our journey at around 7 am in the morning. The morning was warm, fresh, clear and totally silent except for those chirping birds, fast moving wheels of the cab and monk reciting prayer just right next to me. After a while the monk stop reciting prayers and then he broke the silence in the cab talking to me and started our conversation questioning each other smiling where we’re from, to where we’re heading and talking much stuff even about the life and yup he was kind enough to advice me, talk to me and by then my loneliness, boredom were lost in laughter and smiles and like in a minute of time I felt like we have reached to place where everyone travelling this road rest for an hour taking lunch and all. But our driver continued our journey without resting, as most of the passenger inside the cab I am travelling were busy sleeping, some fighting with motion sickness hoping every minute to  reach destination fast and yup, inside I was feeling sorry for them. Again then I started conversing with a monk and after while he too has fallen to sleep,  by then only two of us were awake( driver and me) , with silence taking over again and yap, thought of talking with driver and make journey interesting but I was in the last sit, so there was no choice.

After almost 3 hours from the lunch time with silence and total boredom, we reach Phuentsholing very early evening and then everyone got dispersed excitingly. But Like them, I didn't have any excitement and moreover I felt so lethargic and blue. However as I have to spend my night in hotel (though I have my uncle staying in phuentsholing I have never choose to stay and love to be spend over), then I rushed to hotel where I used to stay most of the time when I travel managing one porter as I could not carry all of my bags together and in mean while going to hotel, I switch on my mobile, suddenly in no second I receive a call from my only tsagyem,  although I was sad as she was not coming, but her call always mean a lot to me and without holding even a bit I picked her call. She told me in the phone that, “thinking my tsagye is upset and down looking at his poor tsagyem, I managed at least to call to my friend to book room for you in my name.”  And yup she told me to go directly to the hotel and cross check her name with room number and go to the room as her friend is waiting there.

I rushed to the hotel and yup saw her name in 6^th and cross checked the room number and went to room. When I reached there, the hotel cleaner was cleaning the room and I was just wondering where her friend is, as she was nowhere to find and in mean while I gave money to porter and then upon arranging my bags inside keeping on the table and bed, I saw one cute little bag which was exactly the same which I have gifted to her on the table. Once I thought, my tsagyem must have turned up but smiling, I thought again I must be being silly as her friends must have that similar bag too, and then I came outside the balcony to give room cleaner a time to clean the room.  As I came outside, I don’t know how to describe how I felt, but I have one particular feeling that “no matter how much sad you feel you are, happiness is always right next when you turn when your important person in life is there for you” this is the magic of a love.                                                                                                                       She, my angel, woman of my heart, was just their leaning beautifully on the balcony.                                   

 Her cheek was on her hand, Faced down.

And with the closing step that I took,

In minute of time she turned an angle exactly moving her head to look,

There, she was exactly like beautiful rising sun,

Rising above the balcony so greatly glowing,

With the single turn, her hair flowed dressing naturally; 

It was like nature art drawn beautifully. 

And I could see her smile not just on lips but even in the eyes,

Making me almost cries.

She walked toward me innocently and fairly.

But I was still lost in the magic of huge joys madly.

And With my hand over her, hugging so tight,

It was a like drinking water in desert with huge thirst.

And was a moment that I shed tears of huge joys with indefinable happiness,                                            over the magical surprise,

                                                      

 I don’t how much she discovered how I felt, but I really want to know that, it was something, something more than a special, a big surprise, a big day on our day and moreover, simply she made me feel simply on the top of world, where I just felt like shouting loud, louder than anything, saying, “I love you so much pelden.”  In life, no matter what, how much ever we’re sad, upset or over blues,  the happiness take no time to get rid all this from us. I feel so much blessed to have a lady who is down to earth.

Indefinable day(an excerpt from my story from the diary)

Her cheek was on her hand, Faced down.

And with the closing step that I took,

In minute of time she turned an angle exactly moving her head to look,

There, she was exactly like beautiful rising sun,

Rising above the balcony so greatly glowing,

With the single turn, her hair flowed dressing naturally; 

It was like nature art drawn beautifully.  

And I could see her smile not just on lips but even in the eyes,

Making me almost cries.

She walked toward me innocently and fairly.

But I was still lost in the magic of huge joys madly.

And With my hand over her, hugging so tight,

It was a like drinking water in desert with huge thirst.

And was a moment that I shed tears of huge joys in indefinable happiness,                                                          

Over magical surprise,

(the unforgettable, indefinable and the most gifted day-13th of January 2013. )  

                               

A midnight with FC. Barcelona vs Athletico match( quarter final, second leg. champions league)
                         

                        Today from the early morning, despite having my exam i was waiting curiously for the quarter final for champions league between Barcelona and Athletico madrid which was going to kick off at midnight and seriously i was so sure for Barcelona to get through this second leg so easily, how ever it was total turn out, which made my night so blue. (I supported this club next after Real Madrid so much from the time i started developing as a passionate soccer player and as tonight as the club didn't make it to semi final, it was  a sort of blue night)

As the time approaches for the kick off, I  started making myself comfortable,keeping my water bottle on the table,  arrange  lap top on the desk in clear view and made myself so comfortably leaning on the walls switching on the match from the, sport lemon web site. By then, at around 12:15 the match started and from the very early beginning the half of light was shut down after Athletico Madrid player "keko" made his way through net shortly after 5 minutes from the kick off turning aggregate 2-1. In the very first half, the madrid, played so comfortably, despite the total control of the ball with Barcelona as always and thought that Barcelona had rare chance to turn off the game. By then as second half begins, they started playing defensively which provide a large barrier for Barca to penetrate and to make a way through the net. How ever, despite the strongest defensive play, the Barca, tried so much, did so well and yup got numbers of chance and my light inside started waking up,but as they failed to score, even if the ball was right in front and right from that time, i got an answer and my total light shut down and  i knew it was not a good day for them, indeed a bad day.
Finally as the match ended, the fans of athletico started cheering, and fans of Barca getting dimmer and i was one of them among million taking so much energy cheering up myself alone in the room expecting to win, but they didn't make it as i expected, how ever they tried, played so well and yup made a taste of football as always. Cheers! to Barca and yap congratulate athletico for making to semi final.

        Look From the old chair when I started my college days.

             Have you ever tried going back to those times in your mind when you say?

Upon those worst times;  like whenever you get pissed off over the horrible situation, whenever during broken days or during some awful times when leak into our door saying, life sucks or it’s hell. And comparatively in those happy days when you exclaim wow! What an awesome time/day/moment, when a light has shown upon you. but if we look into closer view, it's all upon us how to make it a day that we want.

Undeniably it must be true to almost all of us with these particular stuffs, even if we don’t speak out. As human, we always have a tendency to cheer only on those times when it glows and get off to the shore during worst times, being negligent to try and standing tall.

Many of us, usually during those worst times, our positive energy lowers down to zero, failing to stand when the situation pulls, failing to fight when situation challenge us, and to put in extra effort when you’re in sheer as during those time’s we never think of the happiness that will come tomorrow and as we don’t know that, the challenges of today give us a total strength to stand tall happily the very next time. Human in general has never been powerful himself to conquer his mind though he can build unimaginable stuff in a minute of time. You know, whenever, when the worst times show upon us, simultaneously it triggered like an antigen and antibody formation, where our mind is filled with all those negativity, heart filled with all those negative feelings( Hatred, Sadness, Anger..Fear...etc), because most of us has never been so successful in conquering our mind. Say for example, if there is very important test like as if do and die for life tomorrow and it was announce just one day ago. If I am not wrong, out of hundredth, ninety nine percent of us would land up getting scare and fear how can I do? With anger, why they didn't announce us earlier? And with sadness and despair, I am poor and I really can’t make it. But if we seriously take into as normal thing in our normal life, will we be scared, angry and sad? I don’t think, because our mind and heart has never been able to focus on our inner thought sometimes. See, we clearly can discover that, the worst time, the worst situation, completely rule us giving us all those negative feeling, and as we grow up on this negativity, thus we land up saying, “Damn! Life sucks, (or something like so poor of me, or what the hell).”  But what we actually need to do is to face it with generating a positive thoughts, standing tall without getting despair with the self trust and courage to move, because life as whole is never on only one thing for all of us and will never will be to make ourselves happy, as we can find many different roads to make it.

Yup similarly, let me go with some positive situations.  Like for example, how you will react when you’re most awaited day show upon what on earth it is. Every one of us, would be heavenly happy and indeed an indefinable happiness that you can’t hold. That’s similarly what happens here too, where the positive situation generate our positive thought, positive energy, feeling and love, thus with mark from our lips with immense happiness inside “ what a perfect day” comes out. But life has never been, so perfect, so pure and permanent, it’s our entire mind that make up.

Looking back sitting from those old chair of my first year college till now, though haven’t spend much time here in India and yet still have couple of year to spend, Fighting every day and night of my 1^st year to the 2^nd year as it’s about to complete, I came to discover with every situation here in India that, nothing is so perfect, nothing is so worst. Many times, as I pass though the street, auto driver, tea maker,  beggar and everything which are fighting for their own living restlessly yet smilingly always give me a reason of more than thousands, that it totally depend upon us how to make it a day. Yap I know, some might argue on this point saying, this is the situation in India, but if we look into with closer view, it’s like our daily challenges that totally build up with our inner strength of mind and heart. Challenges usually are in many different form’s,  and let me tell you, our anger, our sadness, despairs and all around the negative thoughts put us down like we never can wake up. But those of every people working in the street road, living each days fighting in the scorching sun, accepting the truth of challenge, they keep fighting for living, destroying their negative thoughts every time that’s what I call the simple hero of the their own life. Because, many of us whether big or small, rich or poor, we usually face a problem with our negative thoughts to be the hero. If we really think better, the happiness is right next door to us. Therefore, what so important for all of us is, it’s not “what a hell” or “what a big  day”  but every day is the starting of life….to live with hope and dreams with positive energy to face it no matter how worst is the situation.

                      Late afternoon call.

                Like every usual day for me,one Sunday i was sleeping deep on the bed till afternoon, and yap that too i woke up only after mommy called me. When i share all this stuffs, It doesn't mean that I find most of my days in college sleeping, but there is no choice usually in hot summer days, where we can't get outside like other normal days even if want to, where we can't refresh by playing's, going for walk until the evening swallow the day and moreover these days as we are in sort of holiday for the semester exam preparation most of the time, there is nothing to do, so we find time usually sleeping to save boredom and summer heat of India.

Late afternoon, i heard a buzzing bees like sound on my table, time and again and in half sleep i woke up to check and it was a call from my mommy. Suddenly, then i rub my eyes, clear throat to pretend that i was not sleeping till at this time as mommy will definitely feel bad, but as i picked up my phones, mommy knew it that i was just waking up, as usually when we just wake up, our hoarse voice just appear and disclose the truth.  and then she scolded me saying "cheychey,why are you sleeping till late after noon? and i guess you're still sleeping like the way you use to do when you are at home, grow up chey chey with a pause."  then i was smiling drowsily and answered with lies to escape and not to let mommy worries as she most of the time land up worrying, tensing for us. After that, like usual, we find our conversation where by; She always ask me how i am doing? how is my studies going on? how is my health and how is the status of everything in all around and we hanged our phone and by then my sleepiness has already gone but still then i lied down on the bed to get rid of those laziness and the very time, a particular thought sprung up in my mind and i realize one thing. and it's damn true to each and everyone of us.
You know most of the time, we land up pretending, neglecting without getting up and putting our selves into their position, until and unless as time show upon us and make us realize. Obviously i am pretty sure that, not only me, most of the people around the world would find through word to defend everything what they love and what they care. Everyone of us, we do have much to say on thing's we love and care, people we love and care, because simply there is a huge feeling of attachment and love, that's why we never wanted our thing and people to fall down, we always want to look better, best and as we expected, that's why we always have unending says.
Yap sometimes to us, it sounds as complain, scolding and being strict and i don't disregard too, after all it's true to all spring chickens in the world. But until and unless as time come for everyone of us to realize and stop escaping away through lies.
You'll a discover a real meaning out of it.
See, if we really look into with deep focus, you know, like everyone we have a unending words coming inside our mind, crazy feeling in our heart and that's why, we can't stand on seeing what we love and care in wrong positions and as what we expected.
That's why every mom in the world in one way or other way,  they know they're mother and they do always have a responsibility to make their own child better with love and care. That's why be it scolding or advice, harsh or strict, complain or say,  if we really take into greater account, every word that spoke to us is single wisdom for a day to become better human being.
Thus reasonably, we need to understand that, for each and every person to whom we have feeling call love and care,  we always much unending says and complains, 'cause we want the best out of them.

                                         

"definition of the perfect beauty"
looking back from all those time when i was in love( 13-1-2013)to each and every moment i spend, i got million reasons to explain that "love can fight all war" 
a message of dedication to my love that defines my life.

She discovered my real dream.
Indeed, she is an angel that never make me despair a single moment.
Not even day, no matter how harsh.
She not only ease the living days,
But she totally changed the way how i think,

How I look things into

and how i understand the world.

She got to understand that; 

She is the only gift in my life that i am so lucky of,

Who would blow away the harshness.

And give the chance to feel stronger,

Stronger that can stand tall in all times,

No matter how harsh,

No matter how devastating.

Falling in love madly,

Each and every crazy moments

You taught me that:

It’s not necessary to be strong

But to feel strong with brave heart that never quiver.

And  heart that will never quit what you crave for.

You're  my number one,

You're  meaning to a word "perfect" for me.

  Otiose college days. 
( every coming day, it started always the same, waking up late, sleeping late, embracing my inner bird in this way, like there is no time for sleep the very next dawn.)                     

 In the half sleep rubbed my eyes,

Scratched porcupine like hairs fuzzily

And get up most days lazily,

Yet, on the bed several times sways.

With dawn moving away.

The usual day begins in the middle,

When everyone is half way bridged for day.

And it’s been always that way.

The day of all my lazy times

That never sublime.

            No matter how dark, light will always find through.              

   "The hard days, the struggling time has shown to us since a month ago and still it has never leave us from the feet, although not a hard work that involve strength to carry the heavy loads on the uphill sweating, but the stuffs associated with the feelings and mind is a total devastating at a time, when nothing get well and better, when nothing get changes, after every awaited time,waking up every morning with the new hopes."

I really don't know from when it began, when it started making us face hardship and see the frightful challenges, but yup it's been a real hard days at a time for a more than a month, however, we came by without losing hope, never getting devastated, never falling down when a situations keep us pulling and never failing being one, one as united and standing tall in this horrible situations , but still it's been always the same every morning and it's been one of the most awaited time for us.

I don't know, how my buddies replied and will reply, to the most asked question of every day, every time; how is everything? and yup i don't know too how they will describe, if asked to write " a living situation over a month till now"
To this very questions upon every greetings in the university with friends, senior, junior,teacher all around, the definite answer my mouth open to is , ya!i am doing great, trying with a hope inside and to look as if like moving better, but every night when i am about to doze off to sleep and looking back from the time i wake up till to time when i am about to sleep, i get myself question, am i really doing great as i answer always and came to discover that, it's never a been a great day for a month  but yap a good day to be better coined as. it's been almost all the day, a sort of lie i am living with myself and fighting hard to get start well.

To the very next question, it would be a little harder for me. because' in one way, i feel totally impressed, motivated and always standing with a hope along with my cheerful buddies and in another way, if i come by truth, a "broken" as word flash in my mind instinctively.
For this very long time, without never getting devastated, without even complaining, how much ever we're broken, we didn't give up. It's been a real hard time for us, more like we have missed a rain for thousand years, like we're totally dehydrated. But not even once, we felt despaired. because we know there is always a choice, there is always two sides to choose to fight for 2 quarts belly and for living and yup i realize lately that living as it sound simple, but it's not that as it look. it's every day a challenge that arrives to test us. In this span of time, i get to learn a lot, i got inspired and motivated myself, we as a friend didn't give up on none of us, rather we keep supporting each other, none of us tormented with a situation. Sometime's what we really need to keep moving is, we need to forget every bad thing's of a day, and to remember and cherish with a every best thing that happens, after all, life itself is a challenge and we never should loss our moment of time tormenting and getting devastated.

I  choose not to disclose what really 'hardship' is, and what we're struggling from, as i feel it's not really a good idea that i am thinking of, as i have number of reason's, reasons of reasons to explain and feel blessed how much distance and time we traveled together unanimously, because it's a hard thing, one of the hardest in the world to get people together mostly in the hard times.
Forget praising our selves, because we have much reasons to feel proud of. a reason, how we came through, a longest struggle in the broken time's without getting despair.
Still it is same over the past month, attending classes, struggling of our "hardship" which i choose not to disclose, and hoping each and every morning to get well and better, and in deed, i am never gonna feel so poor, so devastated, though a situation is because there are a huge reasons to fight for with numbers of my friends doing the same each day and night fighting for living and breathing.
Yup, i will wait standing tall, i will get up each morning strong, until god answer us for thy to every questions and struggle in life, there is a way to get through and to every sadness, there is a music that will sooth.

        She is the only one.

She smile gloriously in all times

Like a never fading memory.

So big an inspirational and energetic it is,

It gives me infinite blessing to keep moving.

She lean her cheek upon her hand,

Peacefully and lightly

So bright and cutely she shows,

It Saves day light for me, whenever I miss when it clouded,

Her peaceful eye's like blossoming lotus,

Unimaginably true make me feel so safe and take me to those beautiful future that I have never imagine,

Yet her hair falls down through cheek so flawlessly without her touch

Giving birth to glorious heaven in a imperfect world,

She is of all, whom I crave for out of millions,

She is and always will be my number one no matter what.

                                 Simple challenge; the sleepless night

Do we ever imagine within realm of on us, we’re also counted to be a challenge to one self?  Challenges are not always that comes by road, that usually fear us, make nervous and at whole that need a usual force to pass through the deepest darkness to find the source of light.

On 26^th of March 2014, skipping my classes, at the early evening, I went with my friends to Sharda University to play an open soccer tournament as invited by one of our brother and that very time, we don’t really have any plans to hold night, but somehow due to some circumstances, we were left with no choices and have to spend a night over our brother’s flat.

 The very night, everything happened so fast except a sleep.  No sooner had we reach the flat from the college than we had early dinner unlike in our place.  And shortly after dinner, there wasn't anything to do, so we all friend’s were engaged in playing cards for an hour and then went off to bed.

The very night, we make ourselves to go to bed early as there wasn't anything to do and playing card repeatedly was also boring, and moreover we were exhausted but our sleep was like a siesta; where after lightly closing my eyes, the single note music constantly disturb in my ear and moreover sucking blood everywhere over the body alarms constantly disturbing sleep. I tried rolling over bed turning right and left, looking up and facing down, covering up with blanket and sometimes trying to remove and of all like summer rain fall, the thoughts came rushing taking everywhere, even to those imaginations that I have never been too and moreover the feeling sleeping at other place is never homely.

After too much struggling, I quit trying and forcing myself to sleep, and then rewind back to a each says spoken an hour ago after a dinner when we got a little spare time, where I questioned three of them; HOW DO YOU FEEL AND WHAT DO YOU FEEL THE MOST HESITANT BEING ON OTHER’S HOUSE? And realize that each of them were giving a rightful views and says on the most common experience of everyone and I knew that every one face the same difficulties trying to adapt oneself and to me that was a simple challenge. You know, to get homely sleep at new place has been always hardest for me and it’s a simple challenge.

Later after five to ten minutes, while I was just trying to focus on thinking’s I heard a silent walking footsteps, as the room was so quiet (except the creaking sound of fan) and you know, what surprises the most at that time was, my friend kipchu who usually sleep at right time, who easily get doze off to sleep and who wake up on time, struggling to sleep like me coming over us, (my another friend chimi and me as we’re sleeping on one bed) asking for company and the very funniest thing was kipchu said that “ I knew you too would have been also struggling like me trying to catch sleep”  and yup no sooner, we sneaked out silently outside to the terrace to talk and spend time there until sleepiness over ride us, despite the hesitant. And after not even an hour we came back and then again went to bed, but the same situation, I wasn't really getting a sleep, the thoughts too start rushing as I start to sleep, the feeling never made me feel homely and additionally the mosquitoes that keep guarding whole night never made me sleep. 

By then it was almost midnight, but still there was no sleepiness.  I ask chimi to let us go back to terrace  again to talk, share stories and come back at around 2 am hoping by that time, we would get sleep. But he didn't listen and force himself to get to sleep, while kipchu and me sneaked out again back to terrace and even climb to the most top attic to enjoy the beauty of night, the beauty of sky and to cherish the magic of silence. 

We sat over the walls, talked and shared each other about the life, struggles, duty and mostly about the love relations and this took us too 4 am and then we went back to room and slept.

That very night was the longest night for the fight of sleep for both of us and that’s where I came to realize,  challenges are just in and around the corner and even in realm of within us.
             I guess, to catch sleep at some where new place like we sleep in home would be a simple challenge for many, though it might not be that crazy like us.

9 DAYS 9 MONTHS TO 13^th YEAR WITH SOCCER

Growing up, able to stand on the feet and walking away from crawling, as a child, many have number of crazy thoughts, a raw passion and green desire at those times to do infinite things despite being too young to understand things and when I look back from the time when we crawled, raised , grown up into this time ; those were the time where we really discover , groom our interest and what we really enjoy, what we really are happy with, and everyone vividly understand that things that got inspired, wanted to do in the childhood and those young  dreams have been always a bulls’ eye.

 I am also one of those crazy fellows, one of a millions whose childhood dreams and joy still blossom in heart and desperately want to do. Back to those years of 2002, when I was a naughty kid, when I even don’t know how to distinguish what I like and not, from the middle out of millions, I have chosen and always been a passionate footballer and still a dream to play and move forward become my simple pleasure even now as a men.

 I clearly cut out that, I don’t really have big dreams, big success like the great one’s but yup I definitely admit the truth that I have been always looking to write the journal of my story of getting grown, groomed  to a passionate soccer player.

………………..with the last bell, like from the peak of the academic building, packing everything, I would rush to the school soccer field with ball and that too, a ball knitted and produce from the wastes and all. And I would wait for my friends to turn up and we would always play a random game and those time, usually a person who can kick high as much as he can was really considered a big footballer to us and those time’s were really a fun, a days of crying too; where we fall down and scratch our knees, where we injured our leg and cry. Not that I was only interested in playing football but I was also lucky to get good ambiance for learning, an inspiration from my own dad, who has been always of one my football fan and my brother who would always join me in playing  as he was also one of a ‘dying fan of footballer’.

Its bit incongruity, usually kid’s sleep early and more time, but for me I watched late night soccer match with brother and dad, when my mommy has gone to sleep and it has been most of the time a usual thing for me and they very next day as soon as I woke up, I would certainly go with the ball, trying to do some tricks and dribble seen from the Television and it has been always that way.

In 2002, luckily I got to play a tournament of intra school match between primary school and that time, the feeling when we get to dress into a team jersey for the first time is awesome and on the top of the earth and it was just unforgettable, where it opened me the door to be a simple footballer and yup playing in the ground of crowd was yet exciting and nervous too, certainly one of the nostalgic moment of life.

By then as the year passes, everything started getting better and beautiful. Of all, my dad was also the one who inspired me totally into this field, where he always love to see my brother and me playing in the matches and usually whenever he go outside he would bring us football jersey, boots and all as a gift and it has been always the best days to see my dad cheering, inspiring and supporting and that very feeling when I get to see a dad cheering for us (brother and me) out of crowd in playing matches was so touching and beautiful and  in other hand that worry me was , my mommy never want to see us playing, as she worry too much, as she care so much and as she never stand to see us injured, scratches everywhere on the body and bleeding's  and came to understand only at this time upon remember her say “zag pa ma chang sho yeg pa ma nai, o mai football zong bhi ley na; which literally means to listen to her say and to understand how much mommy care.

With passing times, despite not too much skills, I was lucky enough to play as team In all most all school where I did my primary, lower, middle and higher schooling and yup definitely found a better way in developing and understanding the free skills and enjoyed playing number of matches and winning medals and cups too during those times.

By now it’s all most the 13 years of playing soccer and it has always been the best game of all to me and the part of thing which has never out grown from me and coming to India here, it has also been a best part of stuffs in football, where I get a chance to play with number of different people across the globe and luckily it get a real platform to develop new skills, discover weakness and implementing and learning to be a good footballer.

Looking back from the time 2002 to 2014 right now, playing football, learning football and teaching football has been always the joy that keeps growing green and having an appetite for football has always been inspiring in thousands and millions ways. It not only enhance the power of your skill, satisfy your joys, but It has been always the greatest opportunity in life to understand the number of people, an opportunity to open the door to show cast our self a good and passionate footballers and that train our mind and keep us healthy, Indeed 13 years of playing soccer gave thousand reason’s to be proud of being passionate footballer and my dream's will never out grown. 

                              

  "Playing football with feet is one thing, but playing football with heart is another." 

Bittersweet

“World so big and huge and we exist as a single entity like an atom packed in a single molecule. There are thousands of things that happened, happens and happening around us along the road of our moving life every day and night.”

This is a sort of messages to all the people around the globe, cause’ I am pretty sure of all this happenings to each of us and our wish toward this exact things. 

I don’t exactly remember why and how I choose over to scribble on this stuff, but yup it so happen today in the very early morning at around 3 am making myself busy over this piece, when everyone around me was drop to silent, dark and peaceful and indeed I know it has something so treasury for the world.

3 ante meridian in the morning, a sudden thoughts and feeling sprung up on why we really hate especially when the things are taken for granted? Usually, I sleep at late night and most of the time; I land up fighting over those feelings, suddenly that sore my neck over too much too much big head.

Let me take a story into account, you know when we’re child, back to those times when we’re almost stoned, where we don’t know what we’re exactly doing, what we really feel and other feel, most of the time, it happens to many , say for example on the birthday times when dad and mom gift the stuffs that are not of your taste, we do usually have a tendency to cry, nag, and get onto unbelievable acts. But we never know how much treasure it is for, indeed being child, we’re too young to understand over all those stuffs. But interestingly not only it happens during all those times, but even after getting grown up, getting a feeling, understanding the world; we never care sometimes over this stuff.

Believe me or not? But when things that it means to you so much with love and care, peace and joy , hard work and determination are taken for granted, it gives an excruciating pain and usually it vibrates inside us like hell and land up thinking why it has to be this way? Why he/she really can’t understand better? Or Am I so poor?  Making a hard pressure on oneself with such crazy thoughts that rushes like thousands times, with abnormally beating beats and panting. 

It was a sort of an answer that starts flickering in my mind, over the question not so long ago when this incident took place in the class. I don’t exactly remember when it happens, but yup it happened on one of unlucky Wednesday when I was submitting an assignment for IT practical. I really don’t know how to describe, but yup it was funny, irritating, and lot sort of mixed feeling sprung up when my teacher took her 5 to 10 minutes of time from class hour to check over our assignment, which took more than 1 to 2 days to for us to complete it browsing over net, researching and all. Not really to be taken into account of mine although I wrote it with passion and hard work. You know why? A hard working, dedicated, serious and simple guy of my same batch, has taken all his effort  whole of the week to write and complete to give into one of the finest assignment, but it was like a huge blow over his work looking at the teacher taking 5 minutes in checking 40 to 46 students assignment that too comprising of numbers of pages. And that was what I lately discover early morning why he really was pissed off?

 A short incident that I share was a sort of a minute level but in life, there are thousands of stuffs above this, equal or low happening like this and have you ever taken a minute of your time in life imagining and feeling how it would be when things are taken for granted? Anyway not to say much, for me it’s something acrimonious and bittersweet. Sometimes I am worried, in fear and already beating what if the most important person, the most important things in your life is taken simply for granted from you, Whatever you have build it with love, care, passion, joys and everything that cost. Sometimes, world is so cruel but might have the cemented reasons of explanations.

Leave fear off to live life

Crawling and fighting over the bygone days,

Reaching the status today,

Some of the things maybe murky

Appearing so dusty,

As the thing you dream and wished,

May not have been achieved,

And may have been destroyed

But never leave and give up so easily,

For thy reason of saturation and weakness

Just as the things may not seem easy as you look

‘Cause in life things aren't that simple to see brilliant colors,

If you think narrower and smaller

So just remember to walk further,

Swim little deeper and keep moving

Fight with no words left to put things off,

No matter how much you suffer,

With countless running tears

After all life is the simple journey,

With so much of tourney,

In the road of hills and valleys,

So reasonably and thoughtfully

Believe in yourself and your power

Everything is just the theme of it,

When story begins and comes by, until it ends.