Locked in deep thought and sorrow.

Have you ever thought of where the greatest prison is? he questioned me.

The question took me off even from the walls of my imagination, thinking what actually he was trying to say and myself trying hard to answer him, because I knew, those weary eyes, tired soul isn’t questioning me about the real prison that keep criminals and moreover he has never opened up himself until that day.

Silence has starting growing deep, deeper than those pacific  and Instead of answering to what he queried, I was stuck watching him and his heavy head. Seriously I didn’t know how to respond to such situation and by then at least clearing my throat, I tried speaking;  why such question suddenly and I told him I guess I don’t know what actually the answer is, but I guess I can help you find the answer.

Silence ruled us for couple of minutes and at last, he clear his throat, breathing heavily with those tears holding in his eyes and share me the story to the question.

 “Two years, nine month ago I has fallen into love so deep and still this feeling has never outgrow and I know it will never. You know,  13^th of January 2013, I met a beautiful lady, beautiful in physique, beautiful in thoughts, beautiful In everything, the sum of all part was just undefinable beauty that make me fall so intensely and unconditionally. That was the time, that I saw the heaven, the beauty of life.  Seriously, I have never been happy to such height, indeed I was lucky to fall in love and to be loved in return by a women whom you love head to toe. Our relation was very strongly cemented within those hundred of days and night, and each following morning I just fall for her helplessly again and again, and I knew without her nothing makes sense.  You know It’s a time when you see a light of life and you can’t live without it.” He breath heavily like going through the toughest of war in life and told me “ Love is so magical and powerful”

Then he continued after a minute with heavy exhale of suffocated air from lung’s and said; “ But I didn’t knew those time of troubles will come, I didn’t knew those times of struggles will come, I didn’t knew  worst will rule us.”       I interrupted him and asked, did you guys broke up?  He smile and said, “no bro, just a terrible situation, I don’t know how to even put into a proper sentence. Actually I have been wondering for couples of month and still I don’t get an answer to what I search.  You know, I have did all the best that I could effort even beyond my capacity,but somehow a terrible situation popped in out of no where and that took me into this terrible time. I still don’t know the problem behind, I still don’t know the reason behind, but she look so unhappy and this hurts me terribly.  I thought, she is going   through all this hard times just because of ‘distance’,  as most of the time I cant reach to help her when she is in extreme need, not being able to support her when about to fall but I did at least the best that I could do, but it look so insufficient and looking through the problem arising right now, I feel distance is not an answer.”

Later after a sip of water he continued;  “ lately I am going through some terrible situation, where I am like in desert ‘lost and never found’. I don’t know what I have to do. I don’t know how I have to respond. Time has started treating me so badly. Being in distance relationship, most of the time I use to keep in touch with her through Facebook, we-chat and Watsapp and no matter what problem arises, I am always  the first person to tell sorry and to beg for solving things to make it better, because I can’t really lose her. Losing her would mean so bad that time won’t even heal those traumatic sorrows.  And as always, this days also, I have been always messaging her every morning, day and night just searching for the opportunity to make conversation and to make things better, but she has live completely with silence. I waited so long thinking time will find us someday, but things started worsening.  You know after long time, I saw notification on my mobile phone and it was her message on Watsapp, I was very happy and relieve indeed, but to my notice she messaged me with a sentence “you don’t have to, I am no more your belonging” in response to my long message that reads –

‘Dear, its been long time you have been with silence. I really don’t know why you are treating me this way, but I need you to answer, because I really can’t find charm in anything I do without you. Seriously I miss you so terribly.’

And a minute later she has blocked me in all chat sites after a little conversation  that slip in 60 seconds. So less was a time.” He breath like air stuck in his chest after sharing his trouble and finally said the answer to question that started the story.

“The greatest prison I thought is in our mind, because I don’t know what I am going to do. Yeah ,she told me to move on several times, but I couldn’t even a single time. The moment of thoughts of losing her I get frozen numb, I even can’t move on, because all of me is a hollow body without a heart.”

I felt sorry for him and yeah tried speaking to make him feel better for a while, by then it was already a new morning when we go to bed.

CHANGE

   

Began with beautiful  morning,

But ended with exhausted evening.

Yesterday, high above it was deep bright blue,

Today   deep dark grew.

Breathing cold,

Walked along the roadway

Watching those sailing boats,

Watching those rushing waves,

Watching those flying aeroplane,

Watching those blowing winds,

Watching those rising fumes,

And next everything disappeared.

Like evaporated morning dew,

Like withered spring flower,

Things changed so fast in compass of time.

Even those of hardest wall I thought has fallen,

Even Those strongest heart I thought has broken,

Good friends has turned into bad foes,

Love into so much abomination,

Patience into exasperation,

Happiness into misery .

Changes so unavoidable changed everything.

TRAUMATIC SORROW                         

Despair at estuary with nightfall,

Heart sink into sorrows traumatically.

 Shimmering lights even begins fading,

 And yet like metastasis cancer cells, worst started spreading.

Poisoned bloodstream spread-ed to all extremities

With It’s reach cut short to heart,

Trembling body started worsening  blue

And yet those highest pain couldn’t effort even relieving scream.

Those unbearable pain at crux flourish at highest,

So much was a pain like naked body in freezing ice,

 Those  loudest scream in the head tried breaking his head,

But couldn’t effort then letting go slowly and eat him away.

 “She wondered that hope was so much harder then despair.” -Patricia Briggs

                                       MISSING HOME.

“Usually when complete silence evolve as afternoon sink, I find myself into those big room expecting  ‘huge dead log’ on the bed  and when I couldn't see anything, I land up missing both of you terribly”

Just a day ago I got a call from my goddess(mom) and  usually when ever she ring me, the first thing she would  never forget to question me is ‘Hope you’re not sick?’ and upon hearing me ‘sound, fine and perfect’ In sigh of huge relieve she would thank me so much with love and kiss for staying fine and strong. You know, since from the day when I was admitted to ICU in my second year due to severe dengue fever, she always stay with heavy load of tension and worries about my health even if I am an adult now. Sometime I feel terribly sorry for my mom for always giving a trouble instead of helping her as I grow up.

Quite of a long duration we’re in long conversation about home, my studies and normal routines and in middle of conversation unable to hold, in tears she told me,  “ Cheychey,usually when complete silence evolve as afternoon sink, I find myself into those big room expecting both of you like ‘huge dead log’ on the bed and when I could see anything, I land up missing you both”  and to my realization It was exactly 2 pm in the evening when my dad left for office, when my younger brother go to school right after lunch and when she is all alone at home.  I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to answer, I was blank and frozen yet with waters in my eye flooding. Sometime’s what I hate the most is, no matter how much I love, no matter how much I care,no matter how much my mom is special to me  I don’t know how to let my feeling come in words and make her feel good.

Following after a minute of silence she told me, “don’t worry alright? actually I was in your room  and suddenly when I expected you and  brother like a dead log on the bed and when I couldn’t see  both of you, I couldn't hold back then calling both of you”  and at last with soft laugh, she whispered ‘What to do? This is your mommy, who loves both of you  that I sometimes can’t digest the absence of you guys’ and she hanged the call telling me to stay strong, healthy and finally teasing me with my girl as always.

Lately i started missing home and my mom so much that sometime's i land up in tears and especially this days, it has been hard times at night, where no matter how much i try to sleep i couldn't and i don't know where my sleeps has fled, and this hard times make me miss my home terribly, because no matter how much i sleep, i still would fall to sleep peacefully till the late evening like mom said "shing tomang"(dead log) and my exhausted body is in need of quiet a long holiday and moreover, i am just saddened with a truth that there is no much time for me to spend time at home happily with mom and dad, as i will graduate soon which closes down my vacation and as time has drawn closer and so near to be one responsible and a grown up man. Time indeed has moved so fast...

Ocean as an ink,  sky as paper, still i would find too less for my words for how much i miss my home and my parent's. 

                              Challenges for good.

Quite a rough day it has been as it happened for the past few weeks but thankful to god as it was at least not to the extend of  tough days when soldier come from the battle field.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow for almost a week or two has been quite a tough time , I would rather prefer saying things that are out of my control has completely rule over me making me sick and sad, but as always I stand tall to fight back just hoping the very next day to be a beautiful morning , as life has totally unpredictable way of treating people where “ even in the worst time, we are still full of blessing”  and even when we are in good times, bad lucks comes unpredictably, such a life is, ‘unpredictable’.

 Most of the time, many of us are blindfold to treat the days same as it has resulted;  worst in worst ways,  good in good ways,  sad in sad ways  where we get little carried away with all those that happened forgetting what will come next, such is the worst kind of human mind so much conditioned like Pavlov dog.

Yesterday- was again more one more sleepless night in row sandwiched in those rough days. I ain’t sure why I even can’t sleep even if I want to sleep and moreover I wasted all of my time since morning  completely doing nothing . You know, I planned to write some articles but my thoughts were drained out,  I thought of going through books, but my energy was zero, I thought of washing my clothes but I was too lazy as always and I was just fucked up.

Sleepless, fucked up and nothing to do,  just like everyone I was back again to my sony experia phone, like everybody in this modern time who gets to their mobile phone like they have to feed always.  By then trying to make myself feel good, I was browsing over some pharmaceutical research articles, some journals, and yeah going through few among million Instagram photos  and out of nowhere I was back again to ‘Facebook and we-chat’ like everyone,  the most visited site of the time that everyone does when ever they have nothing to do and yeah suddenly I landed chatting with one of my closest person who was also going through the similar condition.

Following our conversation about so many stuffs, I didn’t know how time passed, but it was already morning, when I only could realize upon hearing the those loud call of early morning prayers and yeah we decided to sleep. It was 5 am in the early morning, the dawn was yet to break, I adjust myself to sleep with thought-‘ at least I have to wake up early even if I don’t do anything’ but again for couple of minutes, I wasted my time trying sleeping. I was just wondering where my sleep fled until morning light find me through.

It was Saturday, and don’t ask me how was your day?  I didn’t know how It passed, I didn’t even see the sunlight and I knew that was a complete waste of time and I was totally pissed of myself running and ruining all my times.  I was hungry, I was lazy, I was pissed off, I was sick and I am sad, I didn’t know what the fuck I am going to do, it was already night, the time when it come again for sleep.

Later after 5 minutes subduing my laziness, I picked up those dirty bowls, curry cooker, plates and went to tap to wash and prepare food to at least to fill up my empty stomach and rest to leave on its own;  with thought ‘what ever happen will happen and is destined’. And there I was in bath room about to wash, filling up buckets with water, rinsing plates and suddenly when I pick up the dish-washer(pril) I found myself with the ‘morning purifying face-wash ‘ on my hand, breaking up myself into soft laughter. The very time, I didn’t know how my thoughts suddenly clean up and started feeling fresh, but I thought, god at least want us to smile no matter what and there is always a reason in this world for everything to accept.

At last, i recovered everything with smile and was good start to October days ending troublesome September :) .

'EVEN IN THE DIFFICULT TIMES, WE ARE STILL FULL OF BLESSINGS'-  PEMA CHODRON.

A KID I MET ROADSIDE.

Crusted sweats was a road through his dusted face.

His hand were dangling like a pendulum.

His legs were shivering like an alcoholic.

His eyes drowned and dimmed,

So much of stories buried inside.

And i could feel his tighten chest,

That breath stuck on his chest,

I could feel his churning acidified stomach,

That terrible hunger cramp.

So much was a suffering,

Even the death would do justice even if it's early.

     MISTED THOUGHT

The epoch,

Eventuated uncontrollably.

I wonder, if it's hide and seek in deepest dark,

And i ain't sure if i should even believe in transcendence.

A transcendence like mist through walls.

See, its current,

Its floats and waves,

Sweep with blood in veins undistinguished 

Indeed malignantly growing within.

And yet felt controlled on its own.

But why do i feel so drunk on it?

You think it's normal.

 All those furious madness in windows,

With shelf dropping evenly.

And all those hunger of mouth line.