Changing dreams.

In everyday of our life, starting from the time when we are born and raised we pass through the series of journey encountering millions of things , either things expected or unexpected that makes us excited or drowned, usual or unusual.   By the way, did you ever question yourself sometime’s with your inner self of how you’re doing? if your dreams are fulfilled? and if you’re really on the place that you wanted to be or not?  and a million questions that you desperately waiting for an answer.  If it’s not the worst of blunder, I guess we ask less to ourselves then the feeling that arose within the same body, I guess this days we care less for questioning ourselves then letting it go and let time to take where ever it takes us.

It was one fine morning, when Delhi has welcome a cold wind of winter and I was on the terrace catching some air before going to college.  Suddenly, all those flashback when I was a kid, when I was in school, when I was a student came rumbling in my mind when I see those kids near my college campus going to school for the day and I had a question back in mind; What they would become? How they would make themselves to see the world and let people see them?

Each and every individual must have a dream that they dream to be,wishes that they wished to be with all the lights from different people that we meet in our daily life and with each single journey that we take since from the time when we started our journey of life.  But do you ever thought  of how much dream that disappear and come another? Do you ever thought  if you have nurtured and living with a same dream that you wanted to be?

Alright, allow me to narrate the shortest of my story of life of dreams.                                                   

 When I started my pre-primary school, I was one of the weakest student that teacher would have in his class and moreover  I wasn’t interested in studying and all sort of education at school. That very time, my dream, my wish was to be a  monk.  Seriously I still remember how much I have fallen in love for those life,  when I see monk of my age when my parents takes to monastery and temple.

 

Gradually with moving time when  I was 9, I forgot all those dreams and by then I was a average student after the best a dad could do for his son. He always find a time to teach me, always find a great ways to develop my enthusiasm and energy in studies and would encourage me to be like my big brother who is excellent in studies.  Once as it happened during class 3, when I topped English and ranked third in class, my energy has boosted to maximum level and with each passing year, I felt love so much with the language and I wanted to a journalist.

My dream of becoming journalist lasted a few year after I pass my Bhutan secondary examination.  And getting to higher secondary, I was one of the student among many who was confused in choosing subject.  By then , with less of my dreams and more of the dreams of people whom I love, I choose the dreams of my love to be a humble doctor in my life. So, as it happen  my dream was to be a doctor and land up in higher secondary school choosing biology completing closing another window of engineering.

So now i am here in Delhi, pursuing pharmacy, to be pharmacist in future and that’s my career.  In life, i guess nobody is sure of who you wanted to be, because dreams changes with every situations and growth of change in this life. Seriously, i saw rarely those who still lived with dream that wanted to be always. 

With all my changing dreams, i landed up wondering about those school going kids of what they would become and where life would take them. Sometime's i feel like dreams are like those dream that we see in sleep which disappear the next morning when we wake up.

So the question is; are you still with dreams that you wanted to fulfill? are you in the place that you wanted to be?  i admit i am not and i wonder where life would take me next despite the plans and huge dreams even after those disappeared ones.

DROWNED WITH HER SWIM

Long lost into different road,
And those roads switched back with huge load,
With a gift of moment from astral influences.
Haven't those moments of life came,
If, i didn't paid an attention,
Or never let in from where it all began,
I would still have a heavy head with storm thought.
I would never know how it feel dead,
I would never know how it feel drowned,
I would never discover the saddest emotions and painful hurts,
I would never understand why people talk of giving up even if i went through,
You know,being able to swim perfectly,
Able to fight and stand,
Able to grind the worst,
Wasn't all the reason that erase the worst,
It still hides in the masquerades of happy faces.
And a watch of those flowing tears of saddest emotions,
Those cries of painful hurt,
Those clattering teeth of huge hold,
I knew it has long story to narrate.
A narration even a time wouldn't be able to take or heal.
And i found myself drowned with them,
Watching her swimming every sunrise.

FLOURISH AND PERISH.

Air was filled with huge joy,

And sooner sank in melancholy.

At time everything wonderfully flourish,

And passing time they sadly perish,

Alas! everything is so temporary.

Like a beautiful dream that disappear when you wake up

But why all those good time's rot?

When all those memories still dance in my mind abundantly.

Memories just make me crave,

Even when things are decayed.

Locked in deep thought and sorrow.

Have you ever thought of where the greatest prison is? he questioned me.

The question took me off even from the walls of my imagination, thinking what actually he was trying to say and myself trying hard to answer him, because I knew, those weary eyes, tired soul isn’t questioning me about the real prison that keep criminals and moreover he has never opened up himself until that day.

Silence has starting growing deep, deeper than those pacific  and Instead of answering to what he queried, I was stuck watching him and his heavy head. Seriously I didn’t know how to respond to such situation and by then at least clearing my throat, I tried speaking;  why such question suddenly and I told him I guess I don’t know what actually the answer is, but I guess I can help you find the answer.

Silence ruled us for couple of minutes and at last, he clear his throat, breathing heavily with those tears holding in his eyes and share me the story to the question.

 “Two years, nine month ago I has fallen into love so deep and still this feeling has never outgrow and I know it will never. You know,  13^th of January 2013, I met a beautiful lady, beautiful in physique, beautiful in thoughts, beautiful In everything, the sum of all part was just undefinable beauty that make me fall so intensely and unconditionally. That was the time, that I saw the heaven, the beauty of life.  Seriously, I have never been happy to such height, indeed I was lucky to fall in love and to be loved in return by a women whom you love head to toe. Our relation was very strongly cemented within those hundred of days and night, and each following morning I just fall for her helplessly again and again, and I knew without her nothing makes sense.  You know It’s a time when you see a light of life and you can’t live without it.” He breath heavily like going through the toughest of war in life and told me “ Love is so magical and powerful”

Then he continued after a minute with heavy exhale of suffocated air from lung’s and said; “ But I didn’t knew those time of troubles will come, I didn’t knew those times of struggles will come, I didn’t knew  worst will rule us.”       I interrupted him and asked, did you guys broke up?  He smile and said, “no bro, just a terrible situation, I don’t know how to even put into a proper sentence. Actually I have been wondering for couples of month and still I don’t get an answer to what I search.  You know, I have did all the best that I could effort even beyond my capacity,but somehow a terrible situation popped in out of no where and that took me into this terrible time. I still don’t know the problem behind, I still don’t know the reason behind, but she look so unhappy and this hurts me terribly.  I thought, she is going   through all this hard times just because of ‘distance’,  as most of the time I cant reach to help her when she is in extreme need, not being able to support her when about to fall but I did at least the best that I could do, but it look so insufficient and looking through the problem arising right now, I feel distance is not an answer.”

Later after a sip of water he continued;  “ lately I am going through some terrible situation, where I am like in desert ‘lost and never found’. I don’t know what I have to do. I don’t know how I have to respond. Time has started treating me so badly. Being in distance relationship, most of the time I use to keep in touch with her through Facebook, we-chat and Watsapp and no matter what problem arises, I am always  the first person to tell sorry and to beg for solving things to make it better, because I can’t really lose her. Losing her would mean so bad that time won’t even heal those traumatic sorrows.  And as always, this days also, I have been always messaging her every morning, day and night just searching for the opportunity to make conversation and to make things better, but she has live completely with silence. I waited so long thinking time will find us someday, but things started worsening.  You know after long time, I saw notification on my mobile phone and it was her message on Watsapp, I was very happy and relieve indeed, but to my notice she messaged me with a sentence “you don’t have to, I am no more your belonging” in response to my long message that reads –

‘Dear, its been long time you have been with silence. I really don’t know why you are treating me this way, but I need you to answer, because I really can’t find charm in anything I do without you. Seriously I miss you so terribly.’

And a minute later she has blocked me in all chat sites after a little conversation  that slip in 60 seconds. So less was a time.” He breath like air stuck in his chest after sharing his trouble and finally said the answer to question that started the story.

“The greatest prison I thought is in our mind, because I don’t know what I am going to do. Yeah ,she told me to move on several times, but I couldn’t even a single time. The moment of thoughts of losing her I get frozen numb, I even can’t move on, because all of me is a hollow body without a heart.”

I felt sorry for him and yeah tried speaking to make him feel better for a while, by then it was already a new morning when we go to bed.

CHANGE

   

Began with beautiful  morning,

But ended with exhausted evening.

Yesterday, high above it was deep bright blue,

Today   deep dark grew.

Breathing cold,

Walked along the roadway

Watching those sailing boats,

Watching those rushing waves,

Watching those flying aeroplane,

Watching those blowing winds,

Watching those rising fumes,

And next everything disappeared.

Like evaporated morning dew,

Like withered spring flower,

Things changed so fast in compass of time.

Even those of hardest wall I thought has fallen,

Even Those strongest heart I thought has broken,

Good friends has turned into bad foes,

Love into so much abomination,

Patience into exasperation,

Happiness into misery .

Changes so unavoidable changed everything.

TRAUMATIC SORROW                         

Despair at estuary with nightfall,

Heart sink into sorrows traumatically.

 Shimmering lights even begins fading,

 And yet like metastasis cancer cells, worst started spreading.

Poisoned bloodstream spread-ed to all extremities

With It’s reach cut short to heart,

Trembling body started worsening  blue

And yet those highest pain couldn’t effort even relieving scream.

Those unbearable pain at crux flourish at highest,

So much was a pain like naked body in freezing ice,

 Those  loudest scream in the head tried breaking his head,

But couldn’t effort then letting go slowly and eat him away.

 “She wondered that hope was so much harder then despair.” -Patricia Briggs

                                       MISSING HOME.

“Usually when complete silence evolve as afternoon sink, I find myself into those big room expecting  ‘huge dead log’ on the bed  and when I couldn't see anything, I land up missing both of you terribly”

Just a day ago I got a call from my goddess(mom) and  usually when ever she ring me, the first thing she would  never forget to question me is ‘Hope you’re not sick?’ and upon hearing me ‘sound, fine and perfect’ In sigh of huge relieve she would thank me so much with love and kiss for staying fine and strong. You know, since from the day when I was admitted to ICU in my second year due to severe dengue fever, she always stay with heavy load of tension and worries about my health even if I am an adult now. Sometime I feel terribly sorry for my mom for always giving a trouble instead of helping her as I grow up.

Quite of a long duration we’re in long conversation about home, my studies and normal routines and in middle of conversation unable to hold, in tears she told me,  “ Cheychey,usually when complete silence evolve as afternoon sink, I find myself into those big room expecting both of you like ‘huge dead log’ on the bed and when I could see anything, I land up missing you both”  and to my realization It was exactly 2 pm in the evening when my dad left for office, when my younger brother go to school right after lunch and when she is all alone at home.  I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to answer, I was blank and frozen yet with waters in my eye flooding. Sometime’s what I hate the most is, no matter how much I love, no matter how much I care,no matter how much my mom is special to me  I don’t know how to let my feeling come in words and make her feel good.

Following after a minute of silence she told me, “don’t worry alright? actually I was in your room  and suddenly when I expected you and  brother like a dead log on the bed and when I couldn’t see  both of you, I couldn't hold back then calling both of you”  and at last with soft laugh, she whispered ‘What to do? This is your mommy, who loves both of you  that I sometimes can’t digest the absence of you guys’ and she hanged the call telling me to stay strong, healthy and finally teasing me with my girl as always.

Lately i started missing home and my mom so much that sometime's i land up in tears and especially this days, it has been hard times at night, where no matter how much i try to sleep i couldn't and i don't know where my sleeps has fled, and this hard times make me miss my home terribly, because no matter how much i sleep, i still would fall to sleep peacefully till the late evening like mom said "shing tomang"(dead log) and my exhausted body is in need of quiet a long holiday and moreover, i am just saddened with a truth that there is no much time for me to spend time at home happily with mom and dad, as i will graduate soon which closes down my vacation and as time has drawn closer and so near to be one responsible and a grown up man. Time indeed has moved so fast...

Ocean as an ink,  sky as paper, still i would find too less for my words for how much i miss my home and my parent's.